To All of the Negative Nancies Out There:

Stop being a pain in the bum. Life is short. Live it. Love it. Don't complain about it incessantly.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone has their down days. It's normal. I get down in the dumps and negative once in a while, too. But, every once in a while is different from every day. And, of course it's normal to be negative through a traumatic event. However, people who are just negative people really irritate me.

I'm sure that your life is not as bad as what you seem to think it is. I mean, I am incredibly happy. I love my life so much. It's incredible. I am happier than I've ever been. Everything has fallen into place since moving to Colorado. However, I know that if I really tried to be negative, I could be a Negative Nancy, too. Let's give that a try, shall we?

What is wrong with my life?

1. I have had allergy problems for the time I've been in Colorado. It's kept me up many a night; coughing until I can barely talk because my throat is so raw.
2. I won't get paid until August 6th. I am broke and the bills will probably just have to wait because I just don't have the money.
3. I only see Philip on Saturdays because our work schedules are completely different. He goes in to work when I am coming home from work. So, I see him when he comes home at around 2-3am when I sleepily tell him that I love him. Then, I see him before I leave in the morning. He sleepily tells me he loves me before I go to work.
4. It's been incredibly hot. I hate the heat. I got sunburned this past weekend. I'll probably get skin cancer.
5. The house we are renting required a LOT of yard work. Philip and I spent hours weeding and cleaning up the yard. It was hard work; especially since it has been so hot.
6. The job that I got is in property management. I've never worked in the field, so it's probably going to be a lot of work to learn all the new things.
7. I have had to switch from a night schedule to a day schedule because of my new job. I hate to be on a day schedule; I am a night person.
8. My dogs are sad that I have had to go back to work. I didn't get to live with them for several months, and now I only see them in the evenings.
9. The zombie apocalypse is coming. We are all doomed. (Related: I have Macaroni & Cheese... yeah, I know... not the best weapon.)

Now, let us go through and see the positive.

1. Yep, I've got allergies. However, I was able to go to the doctor for $45.00. She gave me lots of samples and I have my allergies under control. She said this year was a bad year for most people, so hopefully, I will not have any problems once my body adjusts (that's what happened when I moved to NC... I had allergies, but then I got used to the cooties and didn't have any problems after my first year).
   
2. It is sad that I won't get paid until August 6th, but luckily, I have a wonderful boyfriend who will help me get through until then. And, my kitchen is stocked and most of my bills aren't due until after that point anyway. :)
3. This is the one that is hardest to be positive about. I really do miss Philip. Our schedules are awful. However, I still do get to see him on Saturdays. And, they are wonderful Saturdays. :) Also, it should be less than a month and then Philip will have Fridays off again. So, then we will be able to spend Friday evenings together, too. :) Also, I have a job! How is that not good news?!
   
4. This one makes me laugh. I was just being dramatic. I do hate the heat, but the heat in Colorado is not unbearable. It's a dry heat. It is a thousand times more bearable than North Carolina. I love it! :) However, I still can't wait for autumn and winter! I did get sunburned, but not badly. Philip got burnt worse. But, he's a tough cookie. I'm sure he'll be fine. Besides, it just means that I rub him down with lotion; where's the negative there? ;)
5. That was no lie. It was a lot of work. But, it was incredibly rewarding. I feel like we have accomplished something. And, it also makes it feel more like home since we've done a lot of work on it ourselves. :) Also, I'm just glad that it hasn't been humid so that we could be outside in the heat without feeling like dying.
   
6. The job is new to me. I know how to do probably 60% of the job. But, the 40% that I don't know how to do is just an adventure. I love a good challenge. I probably won't have to worry about being bored for a long time. That is a wonderful thing! And, it's a new experience; something else to add to my list of skills. :)
7. I really do not like having to be a normal "day-person." I love the night. But, I have found a good job with benefits (after 90 days), and it's something that I think I'm going to like. It is a job that will help me benefit our household. And, it's motivating me to get even more stuff done. :)
8. It does make me sad that they are sad. However, I am just thrilled that I get to spend every day with them. I missed them so much while they were gone. Now, I get to come home to them every day, and I get to sleep with them every night. It is a wonderful thing. :)
9. Ummm... yeah, I'm not really sure how to turn that into a positive. We are all screwed. lol Wait! I've got it. I can learn new skills! Zombie killing skills! haha... yeah, that's it! And, ummm... I will get to learn how to wield strange and interesting new weapons. :) It's a real test of character. hahahaha I love my life.
   

So, as one can see, anything could really be a positive if you choose to see that side of it. So, please, Negative Nancies, take the time to appreciate what you've got instead of complaining about how your life is just awful. I'm sure you've got plenty of goodness in your life. So, live it and love it. :)

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?