Begin Rant

I am absolutely sick and tired of hearing women say, "There aren't any good men," or "Men are [pigs, dicks, douches, etc.]."  I want to slap the person saying it.  

Why?  Because it's not true.  Wanna know what the truth is?  Women don't want to date nice guys.  They go for the guys who will treat them like crap and then blame it on men in general.  I have so many nice guy friends who get dumped (or shot down for dates) because they're "too nice."  What the hell kind of sense does that make???  

I think that if women are going to ignore the good guys right in front of their eyes, they deserve the douchebag men that they go after.

So, ridiculous women, stop complaining and open your eyes.  If you want a good man, then find one.  It's not like they're mythical creatures.  I know it for a fact.  I've got one.  And I have a whole lot of guy friends who are good guys, too.  

End Rant.

Fighting

I read something a week or so ago that said that some couples are too happy.  I wish I could remember where I read it so that I could link it up here.  Basically, the article said that couples who do not fight are destined to fail.  This is because they are avoiding confrontation and it's really unhealthy.  So, sooner or later, everything is going to blow up and the relationship will be over.

And, if you're not avoiding confrontation, the reason you don't fight is because your relationship is just boring.  And, eventually you're going to get tired of all the boredom and bail.  

The article said that optimally, you and your partner should fight about every other month.  This is what they considered a healthy amount of fighting.  

I have to disagree.  Philip and I have had one fight in the entire time that we have been together.  That was in December of 2009 after we'd been together for about 6 and a half months.  I was in Indiana spending New Years Eve with my family.  Philip was in North Carolina.  He was really sick with the flu.  He was really irritable and started a fight for no real reason other than he wanted me to be in North Carolina taking care of him.  The fight lasted all of about twenty-minutes (over the phone).  And then we made up and everything has been peachy-keen ever since.

I don't see anything wrong with this.  I'm not bored with Philip and he's not bored with me.  I think it's ridiculous to think that if we aren't fighting, then we will get bored with each other.  Because it's not like we have any other options for keeping our relationship interesting other than fighting.  GAH!  

Philip and I have a ton in common.  So, there isn't a whole lot to fight about.  I suppose we could fight over his work schedule.  He works nights and I work days.  So, if I were a normal person, I would see him for about 10 minutes a day Monday through Thursday.  

Well, I'm not normal.  Instead of fighting about it, I just switched my sleeping schedule so that I nap when I get home from work (about 4:30ish) and then I'm up for a few hours before Philip gets home. Then I spend a few hours with Philip before he goes to sleep.  I sleep for another hour or two and get up to get ready for work.  

I am generally a pretty positive person.  I may vent about something that is bothering me, but then I find a solution rather than dwelling on the negative.  Sure, the sleep schedule isn't ideal, but it's working great for us.  :)

I don't really see the purpose of fighting.  If I have a problem, I express it to Philip.  If Philip has a problem, he expresses it to me.  We figure out a solution and go from there.  Philip and I think alike, so we can see where each other is coming from.  Also, neither of us is hot-headed.  We can both address problems without blowing up about them.  

So, what is there that we should fight about that would make our relationship healthier?  I can't see anything.  I think the article was just ridiculous.  Fighting once every other month is just too much.  

My thoughts on Secret Life

As you all know, I love Netflix.  It's a dear friend of mine.  Well, a while back, Netflix recommended the show The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  So, I gave it a shot.  I thought it was an interesting concept, but I was kind of bored with it after a few episodes.  I kept up with it and it did get better.  Although, I'm still not convinced that it is in anyway realistic.  These are some freaky teenagers.  It's not at all like what my high school years were like.  And, it hasn't been THAT long since my high school years.  

Anyway, I'm on Volume 4 (which is -- I think -- the second part of season 2).  I'm tempted to stop watching because I do think it's ridiculous.  And, I also think that Amy Juergens (the teen mom) is irritating as hell.  I just watched the episode where she and Ben finally break up.  Dude.  If that guy actually existed, he'd be a saint.  I don't know why anyone would put up with a girl like that for so long.

I'm also considering stopping watching because the show is just irresponsible.  It's showing teens that it's okay to be in completely unhealthy relationships.  And, it's normal if you and your partner have absolutely no trust for each other.  Oh, and if you want to make your partner pay attention to you, the best option is to cheat on them.  They'll forgive you anyway.  

Oh, and sex?  It's completely normal to give it up when you're not ready.  Especially if you're doing it to make sure your boyfriend doesn't have sex with someone else.  Ahhhhh!  

I find myself disliking almost everyone on the show.  I think the only people I actually like are Leo Boykewitch and his fiancee, Betty.  And Betty is a former hooker.  This show is so messed up.  

Have you watched?  What did you think?

TiMER

A few weeks ago, I watched a movie called TiMER.  The tagline for the movie is, "If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?"  The movie is about these timers that are implanted into your arm that count down to the exact moment you will meet your soulmate.  

The movie was okay.  Not great, but definitely not bad either.  However, I have a lot of problems with it. 

First of all, how in the hell would this timer work?  It's just impossible.  But, let's pretend for a moment that it could actually work.  Here is where we get to my real problem with this idea. 

I know with all of my heart that Philip is my soulmate.  He is the half that makes me whole.  However, I was friends with Philip for several years before we started dating.  In fact, just last week was the 6 year anniversary of the day we met.  

When I met Philip, I was in a relationship.  If someone would have told me that day that Philip was my soulmate, I would have laughed in their face.  I was happily in love with my then boyfriend, Joe.  Beyond that, Philip was immature and was way too much of a partier for my tastes.  

The day we met, I was not ready for Philip and Philip was not ready for me.  We still had a long journey ahead of ourselves to prepare us for being in a relationship with each other.  

I had to go through some awful stuff to realize what I really deserved.  I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life.  

Philip still had a LOT of growing up to do.  He also had to figure out who he was and what he wanted out of life.  

And, we still had to build the fantastic friendship that we have to start the foundations of our relationship.  After four and a half years of friendship, we had a wonderful friendship and it made the transition into relationship status much simpler.  Our friendship grew into something more. 

If we would've had TiMERs that told us when we met that we were soulmates, it would not have worked out the same.  We would have been forced into something that neither of us were ready for.  Our relationship would not be the same.  Soulmates or not, Philip and I 6 years ago were not compatible.  We had to become the people we are today in order to have the relationship we have.  

So, in answer to the question the movie poses: No.  I would not want to know.  I would want to let fate run its course.  It works out much better that way.  :)

How to have a HAPPY relationship

First of all, start with a partner that you can tolerate. (haha) I know that seems really simple, but it's the most common mistake. This partnership cannot last just because you love someone. I've been in 3 serious relationships. I loved the first two men so much... but that didn't make any difference. By the end of the relationships, I had started to hate both of them. I wasn't compatible with either of them but I had convinced myself that love was enough. I was wrong.

Here is my list of things that you need to have in common in order to have a happy, healthy relationship:

1. You need to be sexually compatible. If one of you is a sex addict and the other has a low or even normal sex drive, the relationship is not going to work.
2. You need to have similar goals. If one of you wants a dozen kids and the other wants none, the relationship is not going to work.
3. You need to have similar personalities. If one of you is a LOT more dominant than the other, one person is always going to get walked all over. The relationship will not work that way.
4. You need to have things in common. I know they say opposites attract (I've been a victim), but if you don't have any common ground, the relationship will not work.
5. You need to be your own person (same goes for your partner). If you don't have a life outside of your partner, the relationship will not work. You need to have hobbies and interests that are your own. You cannot spend every waking second with your partner; you'll get sick of each other eventually.
6. You need to have TRUST. If you don't trust your partner, why have you chosen them to be your partner? Your partner is supposed to be your confidant; the person you choose to spend your life with. If you can't trust your partner, who can you trust? If you have insecurities, figure them out. If your partner is not worthy of your trust, kick them to the curb. If a relationship does not have trust, there is NO relationship. It's just not going to work.

I'd like to expand on what I've said in a few of those rules. If you do not allow your partner to have his or her own life, they are going to resent you. Let me give an example. A bunch of Philip's coworkers want him to go to Las Vegas with them in August as a sort of bachelor party. His coworkers thought that it would be hell getting me to agree to that. So did my friends. Do you know what I said when Philip told me about it? My exact words: That's a great idea!

I didn't have to stop to think about it. I was appalled that other people thought I wouldn't allow it. I TRUST Philip. I know Philip is a wonderful partner. I know that he would not do anything to hurt me. I want Philip to be happy. I want him to go out and do things with his friends. I know that he wants to go to Vegas. So, why would I not let him go? It's ridiculous to think that I would have a problem with it.

If I did not trust Philip to spend a weekend in Vegas with his buddies, I'd have to ask myself why I was marrying him. If I couldn't trust him for 3 days without me, what kind of relationship is that?

I think this is one of the biggest problems in relationships. There is no trust and people are not allowing their partners to be themselves. Philip loves video games. He plays them fairly often. I have no problem with it. He has a friend whose wife will not allow him to play video games very often. He has to ask permission and even then, he can typically only play when his wife is at work. What kind of relationship is that?

As Philip's partner, I want him to be happy. I know that video games (among other things) make him happy. Why would I not let him play video games? I mean, I would understand the wife if it was all Philip's friend ever did, but come on people. Your partner should still be able to be his or herself. That means that they should still be able to do what they want to do without you flipping your lid. It's beyond ridiculous.

Be a good partner. It makes the relationship much simpler. If you're in a relationship that isn't working, take a look at yourself. Are you being a good partner? If not, maybe you should become one and see how the relationship works then. If you're a good partner and your relationship still isn't working, you may want to check to see if your partner is a good partner. If he or she isn't, have a chat. See if they know that they're being a bad partner. If they aren't willing to be a good partner to you, it may be time to accept that you and your partner just aren't compatible.

Life... and love.

I will be in Gatlinburg for the weekend. A long weekend. A FOUR DAY WEEKEND. Oh my goodness... I can't even express how excited I am about this weekend. My parents and my sister are coming down and we're going to go hiking, shopping, and white-water rafting. And Philip is coming with me. It doesn't get much better! :)

I found someone to take my job. I've been training her for just over a week now. It's going really well. I think she'll fit well... for at least a while. She can keep the guys in line... I hope. And she has no attachments to the family, so she shouldn't be torn in a million different directions. Also, she has lots of administrative experience and is used to dealing with bulls**t and having to babysit her bosses.

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Sometimes I think about Philip and wonder how I ever stayed with any other boyfriend. I mean, Philip is wonderful to me. He tells me that he only treats me the way that I deserve to be treated. Why did I put up with any less?? lol

The dogs. Always so much drama. Ugh. Hopefully I can figure out something to do with them. I don't want to find them new homes because they are MY babies. But, Joe makes things difficult a lot of the time.

Joe. I swear, things go up and down more than a rollercoaster. Some days I think he hates me and then the next day, things are peachy-keen and he wants to be friends. I hope that things will be different when I'm not working with him anymore. Then we will either have to be real friends or just completely go our separate ways.

Most of the time now, I wonder why we were together for so long. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean that now, I can't figure out what I saw in him. We are so VERY different. He drives me crazy for the most part. I still care for him, but sometimes I sit down and think about everything we went through and wonder how we made it as long as we did. The heart is a scary thing. I stayed with Joe through a lot of crappiness and unhappiness and gave everything I had to try to make the relationship work. But, I don't honestly know why. The only thing I can come up with is love. I loved Joe with every fiber of my being. But why were we in love? What made us fall in love? What made us stay in love? It wasn't what we had in common... we actually had/have very little in common. We mostly just had a mutual love for each other in common.

I used to think that was fine. I thought every relationship would require a lot of sacrifice and that being different made things interesting. What I didn't realize is that I was giving FAR too much of myself to the relationship and not getting nearly enough out of it. I'm a sucker for the underdog. Stray puppies, geeky teenagers, losing teams, or anything else that needs help... I get sucked in. I can't look away. I have to give what I can to help. That goes for relationships, too, apparently.

I have recently realized that my previous two boyfriends were sucking the life out of me. I gave everything to the relationships and had nothing left for myself. It's not a problem for me to be giving freely to a relationship but it's unhealthy if the partner is not reciprocating. It royally sucks to be taken for granted.

I think it's probably never going to sink in for Michael, but I think that Joe sees what went wrong with our relationship and what he needs to do differently to make a relationship work. And, I learned things from both of those relationships. It's just taking a while to sink in... ;) I can't let my partners walk all over me. I need a give and take relationship. Not just a give relationship. And, I can't let love make all my decisions for me. Love is not enough to keep a relationship alive. It requires work from both partners and for there to be some common ground. A relationship cannot work if only one person is in it.

Philip and I have been dating for almost 4 months. We have yet to have a single argument. I didn't know that was possible. Seriously. I honestly did not know what a healthy relationship was before now. I thought I did. And it scares me because I think there are probably lots of people out there who think they are in healthy relationships and they really aren't. And that makes me sad.

Philip is supportive and sweet and loving and thankful and generous and easy-going and wonderful. Ugh. I'm disgustingly in love with him. He makes it easy to be in a relationship. He wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy. And we make each other happy. And it's so effing wonderful... it's indescribable. I'm sure we disgust people. lol We just have a lot in common and have common goals and it's just SO EASY. How can it be so easy? I love it. :)

You wanna talk about betrayal??

People cannot be trusted. People who you think are your friends will stab you in the back. People will be nosy and ignorant. People will do more harm than good.

Everyone knows by now that Joe and I broke up a few weeks ago. That is between Joe and I. We were working things out just fine and trying to stay friends until people butted into that. Joe and I couldn't work it out. We both knew it was the right decision. End of story. After it all, Joe told me that he wanted me to be happy and to move on. Not that it's any of your damn business, but I am.

Someone who I thought was my friend really messed with Joe's head this weekend. Talking about how I betrayed him and that what I was doing was really messed up.

First of all, I never betrayed Joe. I never cheated on him. I haven't been anything but honest with him about everything since the break-up. He has supported all of my decisions (that you can verify with him).

I think it's really funny that this "friend" wanted to talk to Joe about betrayal. First of all, he was hanging out with me this weekend and never said anything about it to me. He just pretended that everything was fine. That seems like a fucking betrayal on his part. He betrayed me by going behind my back. If he has a problem with what's going on, he should say something to me. Not bash me to other people.

Second of all, his current relationship status is messed up. He has done more betrayal than I have. He's lying and possibly cheating and certainly misrepresenting himself. And I told him upfront how I felt about that. But he couldn't say things to my face?? I would say that what he is doing is the pot calling the kettle black, but I haven't cheated or lied. He has no right to talk about betrayal. Joe and I are still honest with each other. He's the fucker.

And, to all of you other jerks out there, mind your own damn business. You're just making everything more complicated than what it is. You're making things harder on Joe, not me. I've been honest and up front with everyone about everything I've done. I've got Joe's support in what I'm doing. None of you other "friends" matter.

A few good things have come out of this. I've been able to find out who my true friends are. Thanks for being there. You have made this easier and you've been wonderful.

This note is aimed at the few who have been back stabbing. You know who you are. Go fuck yourselves.

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?