Sleep, writing, and Break-up songs...

Sleep seems to be rather elusive for me these days. I can only seem to feel tired when it's not an optimal/appropriate time for me to be sleeping. I keep going to bed later and getting up later each day. So, I decided yesterday that I was going to trick my body. I would stay up and not sleep until the following night... I thought that would get my body back on track.

Well, I managed to make it to roughly 1:30 pm yesterday. Then I fell asleep for about 3 hours. And, I still couldn't sleep this morning (I try to be on Philip's schedule... he goes to bed at about 6 or 7 in the morning and wakes up at around 2 or 3 pm since he works nights). So, here I am at 9 am, wide awake when I should be sound asleep next to Philip and Jack in the nice, cozy bed.

Anyway, I thought that since I was awake anyway, I would work some more on the book that I'm writing. It's one of three novels that I've begun. This one is a journal-style novel. It's geared toward young adults. It tells the story of a teen girl's break-up with her first love. It's actually going really well... for once. haha... hopefully this one won't get half-finished and spend a year on my flash-drive untouched. ;)

I usually listen to music while I write. I realized that my current "Favorites" playlist is actually very fitting for what I am writing about. It consists of mostly break-up songs. I thought maybe it was a fluke because of what I've been writing about, but when I thought about it, I realized that most all of my favorite songs throughout the years have been break-up songs.

My current list includes:
Aerosmith: What It Takes (My favorite song of all time)
Blue October: Say It
David Nail: Red Light
Jason Aldean: The Truth
Keith Urban: Til Summer Comes Around
Lady Antebellum: Need You Now
Muse: The Resistance
Rise Against: Savior
Safetysuit: Find A Way
The Script: Breakeven

The Resistance and Find a Way aren't really break-up songs, but are songs of forbidden love. The rest are all break-up songs. Then, I have two other songs on the list: Kesha's Tik Tok (I know, I just can't get it out of my head!), and Weezer's Island In The Sun (because it just makes me happy).

I am not a fan of drama... I don't enjoy break-ups. However, I think I enjoy the songs because they remind me of times when I have felt pain so acutely. And, despite the anguish and pain of those times, they were times when I felt truly alive and they were important turning points in my life. Beyond that, I think they are songs that bring people together (how ironic, right!? lol) because not many people can say that they've never been through a break-up. And the few that haven't can probably still clearly imagine what it would feel like.

Also, even with the immense pain that some break-ups bring, I still know that everything comes out better in the end. So, the songs may seem sad or depressing, but they remind me that through pain, true joy can be known.

D@mn girl. You got a fine @ss.

A few days ago, I went to Walmart to pick up a few things. While I was perusing the thirty different brands of car wash detergent, a twenty-something male walked behind me. As he passed me, he had the nerve to say, "Damn girl. You got a fine ass."

WTF?! In what universe is this an acceptable thing to say to a woman?? Especially to a strange woman, in a Walmart, by herself, at 11:30 at night?

I was in shock. I couldn't even look at the guy. I just walked away and pretended that I didn't hear what he had said.

Would any woman ever react well to this comment?? I mean, it's disrespectful, creepy, and uses bad grammar!

It's not that no one has ever complimented me on my derriere. I know that my bottom is pleasing to the eye. I am one of it's biggest fans. ;) However, just because I'm aware of my butt, doesn't mean that I want creepers in Walmart talking about it... especially as disrespectfully as that.

When I finished my shopping, I came home and told my roommate about what happened. He said that he knew women who would enjoy receiving a (I use this word very lightly) "compliment" such as that. This was even more shocking to me than the "compliment" itself.

It is very difficult for me to understand how a woman would ever think this was acceptable, let alone flattering. Do these women have no respect for themselves? I am more than my body, and I would like to be seen for that.

If you like my body, fine; wonderful. Just try to tell me in a more tactful/respectful manner.

If the man would have approached me, made small talk, and complimented my body/beauty in a respectful manner, I would have been flattered. It still would have had the same end result (me walking away without interest in the gentleman), but I would have walked away from the situation without disgust and a little more hope for the male part of the species.

Take a hint, gentlemen: if you want a tramp, follow this guy's lead. However, if you want a woman who respects herself and who will be an equal partner in a healthy relationship, grow up and learn some manners.

College... Bad decision?

Lately, I have come upon some financial difficulties. I have over $23,000 in student loan debt. I was supposed to leave Catawba with about half that, but they repeatedly screwed me over. I came to accept that, thinking that my degree would be worth it. Well, it's not. I can't find an effing job. I am on unemployment. I have applied to jobs. No response whatsoever. I am either over-qualified or under-qualified for jobs. My degree is not doing me a damn bit of good.

However, it doesn't matter. My loans are still there. It doesn't matter if that degree gets me a job or not. I have 3 different school loans. Two of them are currently in forbearance. That means that I don't have to make payments on them right now, but interest is still accruing. The other one, I am still attempting to make payments on. As of right now, I am caught up. However, I have another almost $300 payment due at the end of the month.

This degree isn't getting me anywhere. It seems like the only way I will be able to get a job is to get a degree in something else; something more specialized; something in demand.

So, I've thought about going back to school. The only thing I really want to go back to school for is Veterinary Technology. I will rack up thousands more in student loan debt. The really funny thing is: I will not be making much more money than what I make now. So, I will probably be in the same position that I am now.

This is almost funny to me. Almost. If it weren't so heartbreakingly painful.

I am never going to get out of debt. I will always be in this cycle. My only hope: the lottery. haha. I laugh through the tears.

So, at this point, I'm pretty sure that college was one of the worst decisions I've made. I would probably be working a crap job right now if I hadn't gone to college. But, I could have paid my bills with a crap job. The only real bills I have right now are rent and school loans. I can pay the rent with my unemployment, which is barely above minimum wage. So, I would be doing just fine. The only things I gained with this degree: a piece of paper, minimal pride, and a ton of debt.

Some days I laugh at this. Some days I cry. Today is one of the bad days. It's not funny to me today.

My Jealousy of Kurt Vonnegut

Last night, I finished reading Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut. It was my first time reading that book, but I've read several other Vonnegut books (my favorite being Slapstick). I absolutely love reading Vonnegut books. He has such an interesting writing style. I've started writing multiple novels. I have attempted to write like Vonnegut. I just CANNOT do it. When I attempt it, the finished product just sounds ridiculous and nonsensical. When Vonnegut does it, it's delicious.

I am insanely jealous. How did he do it? I mean, when someone asks me what I'm reading, I can only give them a title. How can you even begin to describe the awesomeness that is a Vonnegut novel? I mean, when you try to describe it, it sounds ridiculous. You can only give a VERY broad description. But when you read the novel, you can't put it down. You want there to be more. You can't look away. It's insanity, but it's beautiful.

Who else can do what he did? He was a master of satire. There are still a few books that he wrote that I have yet to read. I almost think that I am subconsciously holding off on reading them. He passed away in 2007, so there will be no more. And that is depressing. So, I want to hold on to each novel for as long as possible before moving on to the next. I'm savoring them.

Also, as I said before, I am mad jealous. When I finish a chapter, I think, why can't I do that?! So, as I read, the book is bittersweet. Sweet because it is perfection; bitter because of my envy and because there is a limited amount left for me to uncover.

If you have not had the pleasure of Mr. Vonnegut's company, please, do yourself a favor and check this out. It is a collection of short stories called Welcome to the Monkey House. Even if you only have a few minutes, you need to read at least one. And if you have to choose just one, I recommend Harrison Bergeron.

Oh, and one last thing... If you know of any authors similar to Vonnegut, please let me know. :D


"What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."
-- Kurt Vonnegut