How to have a HAPPY relationship

First of all, start with a partner that you can tolerate. (haha) I know that seems really simple, but it's the most common mistake. This partnership cannot last just because you love someone. I've been in 3 serious relationships. I loved the first two men so much... but that didn't make any difference. By the end of the relationships, I had started to hate both of them. I wasn't compatible with either of them but I had convinced myself that love was enough. I was wrong.

Here is my list of things that you need to have in common in order to have a happy, healthy relationship:

1. You need to be sexually compatible. If one of you is a sex addict and the other has a low or even normal sex drive, the relationship is not going to work.
2. You need to have similar goals. If one of you wants a dozen kids and the other wants none, the relationship is not going to work.
3. You need to have similar personalities. If one of you is a LOT more dominant than the other, one person is always going to get walked all over. The relationship will not work that way.
4. You need to have things in common. I know they say opposites attract (I've been a victim), but if you don't have any common ground, the relationship will not work.
5. You need to be your own person (same goes for your partner). If you don't have a life outside of your partner, the relationship will not work. You need to have hobbies and interests that are your own. You cannot spend every waking second with your partner; you'll get sick of each other eventually.
6. You need to have TRUST. If you don't trust your partner, why have you chosen them to be your partner? Your partner is supposed to be your confidant; the person you choose to spend your life with. If you can't trust your partner, who can you trust? If you have insecurities, figure them out. If your partner is not worthy of your trust, kick them to the curb. If a relationship does not have trust, there is NO relationship. It's just not going to work.

I'd like to expand on what I've said in a few of those rules. If you do not allow your partner to have his or her own life, they are going to resent you. Let me give an example. A bunch of Philip's coworkers want him to go to Las Vegas with them in August as a sort of bachelor party. His coworkers thought that it would be hell getting me to agree to that. So did my friends. Do you know what I said when Philip told me about it? My exact words: That's a great idea!

I didn't have to stop to think about it. I was appalled that other people thought I wouldn't allow it. I TRUST Philip. I know Philip is a wonderful partner. I know that he would not do anything to hurt me. I want Philip to be happy. I want him to go out and do things with his friends. I know that he wants to go to Vegas. So, why would I not let him go? It's ridiculous to think that I would have a problem with it.

If I did not trust Philip to spend a weekend in Vegas with his buddies, I'd have to ask myself why I was marrying him. If I couldn't trust him for 3 days without me, what kind of relationship is that?

I think this is one of the biggest problems in relationships. There is no trust and people are not allowing their partners to be themselves. Philip loves video games. He plays them fairly often. I have no problem with it. He has a friend whose wife will not allow him to play video games very often. He has to ask permission and even then, he can typically only play when his wife is at work. What kind of relationship is that?

As Philip's partner, I want him to be happy. I know that video games (among other things) make him happy. Why would I not let him play video games? I mean, I would understand the wife if it was all Philip's friend ever did, but come on people. Your partner should still be able to be his or herself. That means that they should still be able to do what they want to do without you flipping your lid. It's beyond ridiculous.

Be a good partner. It makes the relationship much simpler. If you're in a relationship that isn't working, take a look at yourself. Are you being a good partner? If not, maybe you should become one and see how the relationship works then. If you're a good partner and your relationship still isn't working, you may want to check to see if your partner is a good partner. If he or she isn't, have a chat. See if they know that they're being a bad partner. If they aren't willing to be a good partner to you, it may be time to accept that you and your partner just aren't compatible.

Trust and Secrets

I am not a person of many secrets. I mean, I keep to myself for the most part, but there aren't a lot of juicy details that people would really care about anyway. However, there are a few secrets that I have and hold dear. There are not many people that I would trust with those secrets.

There is one secret in particular that I told someone. I expected that person to keep my confidence and not tell anyone that secret. I thought that my trust was well placed considering that it was my own father that I told. I was wrong.

It came to my attention today that my dad told my secret to not just one person, but SEVERAL people. Not only that, but those people are known for not being able to keep secrets themselves. Why? I don't really know. My mom says it's because he just can't keep a secret. I don't see that as an adequate excuse.

I am fuming. First of all, just because someone told the secret. Second of all, because it was my dad. There are few people that I trust as it is. That's one less person.

Not only that, but now I can't have my mother as a confidant either because I know that she will tell my dad any secrets that I tell her. I understand that. I tell Philip everything. However, I also know that I can trust Philip to never tell a soul if I ask him not to.

I don't care if you don't think a secret is important or not. You should never give up a person's secrets. If someone tells me something in confidence, I will take it to my grave. I have held other people's secrets for years. I don't understand how people can break their friend's or family member's trust so easily.

I am angry. I am hurt. My muscles are all tense and my head is killing me because of it. I just don't understand.

I am not your psychiatrist.

Friends come to me when they are having hard times. It has happened as far back as I can remember. I'm a good listener. I enjoy helping people through hard times. Don't get me wrong; I hate hearing that my friends are down, but I love being able to help a friend make it to the other side.

However, I am not your psychiatrist. I am not here to just be your friend when you need something. I am tired of "friends" who only seek me out when they are down. I love that you trust me enough to be your "shoulder to cry on" and your "wall." That doesn't meant that I don't want to be a part of your life during the happy times as well. Also, where the hell are you when I'm down??

I was always told that friendship is a 2-way street. Apparently I got the one-way friends.

I do not trust easily. It's just the way I am. In fact, I'm rather a loner. I always have been. I have only a few people that I really trust. And, I'm usually pretty self-sufficient. That is not to say that I don't like people. I really do like people. I'm going to be friendly with just about everyone... I'm just not going to count all of those people as my friends.

Anyway, since I do not trust many, when I extend that trust and friendship to people, I expect to have it returned. I'm getting jipped. I'm tired of it. Those "friends" are the reason that I don't trust people to begin with. If I open up to you, don't leave me hanging. Especially when I have been there for you 100% of the time.

If I'm there for you at 4 AM when you are feeling desperate, remember to say hello to me at normal hours. If I spend hours talking you through a dilemma, remember to at least ask me how I'm doing. If I spend months helping to boost your self-esteem and mend your broken heart, don't abandon me when you're feeling better. If I encourage you in your dreams, remember to at least FIND OUT what mine are.

Again, I am not your psychiatrist. I am not here for you to use me as you wish until you no longer need a shoulder. I am a person worthy of more than your bad times. That is NOT friendship.

The next time you find yourself down in the dumps and are looking for consolation, I hope that you will realize that I was a good friend to you. I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces. I have gone off to find REAL friends. Good luck to you.


**Note: This is not for all of my friends... just a select few.

A Bad Day...

Most days, I am an optimist. I love the world. I am happy.

Today is not one of those days. Don't get me wrong. My life? It's wonderful. I'm in love with a wonderful man. He's perfect. I have a fabulous family. I have awesome friends. Besides my job search, my life is pretty flipping spectacular.

So, what's got me down? People.

Why do people insist on hurting each other? Why are people dishonest? I just don't get it. Just love one another. Care about your fellow human beings. Tell the truth. It's going to hurt a lot less in the long run.

Why don't people know how to have healthy relationships? Be honest with each other. Even if you think it's going to hurt. It's going to be better in the long run; sooner or later, the other party will realize your lies and it's going to HURT.

Trust is the most important part of a relationship. Most people would say that it's love. They're wrong. I've loved all of the people that I've broken up with. However, I didn't trust them. That's the end.

If you can't trust your partner, there isn't a relationship. You should be able to trust the person you spend most of your time and energy on. If you can't trust your partner, they aren't really your partner anymore, are they?

What's the worst hurt you've ever felt? Most likely, it's when someone you truly care about has broken your trust. Why inflict that on other people?

People should just learn to be honest and to love one another. The world would be a better place. And the divorce rate would be a lot lower.