Sleep, writing, and Break-up songs...

Sleep seems to be rather elusive for me these days. I can only seem to feel tired when it's not an optimal/appropriate time for me to be sleeping. I keep going to bed later and getting up later each day. So, I decided yesterday that I was going to trick my body. I would stay up and not sleep until the following night... I thought that would get my body back on track.

Well, I managed to make it to roughly 1:30 pm yesterday. Then I fell asleep for about 3 hours. And, I still couldn't sleep this morning (I try to be on Philip's schedule... he goes to bed at about 6 or 7 in the morning and wakes up at around 2 or 3 pm since he works nights). So, here I am at 9 am, wide awake when I should be sound asleep next to Philip and Jack in the nice, cozy bed.

Anyway, I thought that since I was awake anyway, I would work some more on the book that I'm writing. It's one of three novels that I've begun. This one is a journal-style novel. It's geared toward young adults. It tells the story of a teen girl's break-up with her first love. It's actually going really well... for once. haha... hopefully this one won't get half-finished and spend a year on my flash-drive untouched. ;)

I usually listen to music while I write. I realized that my current "Favorites" playlist is actually very fitting for what I am writing about. It consists of mostly break-up songs. I thought maybe it was a fluke because of what I've been writing about, but when I thought about it, I realized that most all of my favorite songs throughout the years have been break-up songs.

My current list includes:
Aerosmith: What It Takes (My favorite song of all time)
Blue October: Say It
David Nail: Red Light
Jason Aldean: The Truth
Keith Urban: Til Summer Comes Around
Lady Antebellum: Need You Now
Muse: The Resistance
Rise Against: Savior
Safetysuit: Find A Way
The Script: Breakeven

The Resistance and Find a Way aren't really break-up songs, but are songs of forbidden love. The rest are all break-up songs. Then, I have two other songs on the list: Kesha's Tik Tok (I know, I just can't get it out of my head!), and Weezer's Island In The Sun (because it just makes me happy).

I am not a fan of drama... I don't enjoy break-ups. However, I think I enjoy the songs because they remind me of times when I have felt pain so acutely. And, despite the anguish and pain of those times, they were times when I felt truly alive and they were important turning points in my life. Beyond that, I think they are songs that bring people together (how ironic, right!? lol) because not many people can say that they've never been through a break-up. And the few that haven't can probably still clearly imagine what it would feel like.

Also, even with the immense pain that some break-ups bring, I still know that everything comes out better in the end. So, the songs may seem sad or depressing, but they remind me that through pain, true joy can be known.

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?

Yes, it is true.

I've gotten a million messages and phone calls. First of all, everybody wants to know, "Is it true???" I blame this question on Jon and Aileen for tricking everyone by changing their facebook status a while back just to see what would happen. Yes. It is true. Joe and I have decided to break up. I've been feeling that we were growing apart for some time now. I've tried to make it work. I do love him, but we are just not compatible anymore. I'm not going into any gory details because I don't think it's appropriate. I just want everyone to know that I am okay and Joe is going to be okay as well. We are both resilient people. Thank you for all your messages, calls, and the like, but I don't really feel like talking about it right now. I'm just trying to move forward.