I am happy

Lately, I've been in kind of a funk.  I haven't been motivated and I'm been more of a complainer than normal.  Typically, I'm an optimist.  If I don't like things, I change them.  That's how I roll.  I think that I've been hanging around too many negative people lately.  

Last night, I realized what I've been doing.  I've been focusing on the negative in my life (car troubles after car troubles and then more car troubles,  large expenses, a huge to-do list, etc.) and not paying attention to the positives.  And, the positives FAR outweigh the negatives.  

I have a job.  A good job with a good boss with good benefits.  Sure, I wish I made more money (who doesn't?!), but at least I have a job that I like!  

I have four beautiful, wonderful pups.  They greet me every day when I come home from work. They snuggle with me while I watch Law & Order.  They are just happy to be near me.  It's a wonderful thing.  

I have a perfect partner.  He is absolutely wonderful.  Even when I'm in a crappy mood, he can make me feel better in an instant.  He is smart, funny, handsome, loving, and giving.  He is everything I could want in a partner.  Any time I see his face, I smile.  

Wouldn't seeing this face every day make you happy, too?  Too bad!  He's mine!  ;)  

I often think about how I don't think I could love this man any more than I already do. And then he does something that proves me wrong.  I apologize to all of my readers for how disgustingly in love I am.  I can't help it.  :)  

TiMER

A few weeks ago, I watched a movie called TiMER.  The tagline for the movie is, "If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?"  The movie is about these timers that are implanted into your arm that count down to the exact moment you will meet your soulmate.  

The movie was okay.  Not great, but definitely not bad either.  However, I have a lot of problems with it. 

First of all, how in the hell would this timer work?  It's just impossible.  But, let's pretend for a moment that it could actually work.  Here is where we get to my real problem with this idea. 

I know with all of my heart that Philip is my soulmate.  He is the half that makes me whole.  However, I was friends with Philip for several years before we started dating.  In fact, just last week was the 6 year anniversary of the day we met.  

When I met Philip, I was in a relationship.  If someone would have told me that day that Philip was my soulmate, I would have laughed in their face.  I was happily in love with my then boyfriend, Joe.  Beyond that, Philip was immature and was way too much of a partier for my tastes.  

The day we met, I was not ready for Philip and Philip was not ready for me.  We still had a long journey ahead of ourselves to prepare us for being in a relationship with each other.  

I had to go through some awful stuff to realize what I really deserved.  I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life.  

Philip still had a LOT of growing up to do.  He also had to figure out who he was and what he wanted out of life.  

And, we still had to build the fantastic friendship that we have to start the foundations of our relationship.  After four and a half years of friendship, we had a wonderful friendship and it made the transition into relationship status much simpler.  Our friendship grew into something more. 

If we would've had TiMERs that told us when we met that we were soulmates, it would not have worked out the same.  We would have been forced into something that neither of us were ready for.  Our relationship would not be the same.  Soulmates or not, Philip and I 6 years ago were not compatible.  We had to become the people we are today in order to have the relationship we have.  

So, in answer to the question the movie poses: No.  I would not want to know.  I would want to let fate run its course.  It works out much better that way.  :)

A Bad Day...

Most days, I am an optimist. I love the world. I am happy.

Today is not one of those days. Don't get me wrong. My life? It's wonderful. I'm in love with a wonderful man. He's perfect. I have a fabulous family. I have awesome friends. Besides my job search, my life is pretty flipping spectacular.

So, what's got me down? People.

Why do people insist on hurting each other? Why are people dishonest? I just don't get it. Just love one another. Care about your fellow human beings. Tell the truth. It's going to hurt a lot less in the long run.

Why don't people know how to have healthy relationships? Be honest with each other. Even if you think it's going to hurt. It's going to be better in the long run; sooner or later, the other party will realize your lies and it's going to HURT.

Trust is the most important part of a relationship. Most people would say that it's love. They're wrong. I've loved all of the people that I've broken up with. However, I didn't trust them. That's the end.

If you can't trust your partner, there isn't a relationship. You should be able to trust the person you spend most of your time and energy on. If you can't trust your partner, they aren't really your partner anymore, are they?

What's the worst hurt you've ever felt? Most likely, it's when someone you truly care about has broken your trust. Why inflict that on other people?

People should just learn to be honest and to love one another. The world would be a better place. And the divorce rate would be a lot lower.

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?

Sex... (That title caught your attention, right?!)

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's been egged on a lot by movies I've seen recently.

People are insane! There are actually people out there who have sex with random people who they do not know. This is a horrifying thought to me.

I have rules about sex that I do not break. I'm not so conservative as to say that marriage should be saved for marriage (I don't believe that... sex is an important aspect of a relationship and you need to know if you're sexually compatible before committing yourself to someone for the rest of your life), but I do have more conservative rules than society seems to be pushing.

Number one, I have to be in a serious relationship with someone. Number two, I have to be in love with them. I've never broken my rules. I don't know how I could live with myself if I did. I'm not saying that my rules are for everyone, but I would think that everyone should at least know the person they're sleeping with.

I have my rules for my own reasons. Sex is very personal for me. It's something to be shared with someone that I love. Not for just anyone. However, I know that sex isn't that for everyone. However, that doesn't mean that people should have sex with someone that they picked up in a bar. You don't know that person. There are serious repercussions for having sex with someone you don't know.

First of all, disease. Herpes is not how you want to remember that crazy weekend. It's disgusting and it's going to put a serious damper on your future plans. Even if someone appears to be clean, looks can be deceiving. And can you really trust someone you just met to tell you the truth??

Second of all, pregnancy. Do you really want to be impregnated by someone that you know nothing about?? I realize that not everyone has the same attitude as me about abortion not being an option, but still, even pro-choicers know that abortion can be traumatizing.

Third of all, the person you go home with could be a freak. This goes for women especially since we are more likely to be raped/attacked. That person who seemed great in the bar could be a rapist or murderer. Is the possibility of an orgasm really worth that threat?? It isn't to me!

Finally, how high could your self esteem be if you're willing to open your legs for anyone? I think people should love themselves more than that.

I'm not saying that everyone should have to be in love with the person they give themselves over to. I've known/been with people who sex was more like a game or sport to pass the time. Even still, that doesn't mean that those people need to have sex with anyone. Is it really going to kill a person to wait a while to find out if that person is worth your time?

Come on, people. Be safe. And find out something more than that person's favorite position or bust size before going to bed with them.

Sad news...

My neighbor passed away on Tuesday afternoon. Her husband is moving to Florida today. It's where his kids live and they're making him move. She didn't have a funeral. She was cremated. They have to pick up her cremains and then they're leaving for Florida.

She and her husband had a really sweet plan for their deaths. Suzie was the first to die, so Jay will hold on to her cremains until he dies. Then, when he dies, their kids will mix their cremains together and bury them together.

They were such a wonderful couple. They had been married for over 48 years, but they were still in love.

She was only 67 years old. And she was still really active. She didn't seem old at all. It just doesn't seem real. She was fighting like crazy for her life. She shouldn't have really lived as long as she did (after she had the heart attack when she first went into the hospital). She was a really strong supporter of Barrack Obama. She's been talking about him to us the whole time we've lived there. She thought that he was going to do great things for our country. Her daughter turned on the inauguration for her to listen to on Tuesday. She got to hear him be sworn in and listen to the speech that he gave. She died shortly after that. So, at least she got to hear what she had been waiting and hoping for before she died.

I'm really not dealing well with the situation. I don't think Joe is either. We loved our neighbors, and now they're gone. Jay is talking about coming back soon. He doesn't want to live with his kids in Florida. He wants to live in the home that he made with Suzie. I want him to come back, but only if it's going to be what is best for him.

It's funny to me that they were married for 48 years and still had such a wonderful relationship. My grandparents were married for roughly that long and they were miserable. They didn't like each other. My grandma didn't even cry at my grandpa's funeral. She was in the early stages of Alzheimers, but I don't think that that was the only reason. It gives me hope to see a couple that is still so happy and in love after almost 50 years together. And it breaks my heart to see them torn apart by death much too soon.

Life Update + My Love for my Dogs

My inhaler is apparently working. I had to use it several times in the first few days. However, I haven't used it since Saturday, and I seem to be doing fine. :) So, that is great news. I think I'm going to cancel the follow-up doctor's appointment that I had scheduled for January 2. I'm not interested in going to see the NP who doesn't read when I'm feeling better. She doesn't know what's wrong anyway. I have 2 refills for the inhaler and the inhaler will last me 100 times. At this rate, the inhaler will last 6 months! :)

Joe and I tried to get all of the dogs together to do a Christmas picture to send out with our Christmas cards. I set the timer on my camera and we posed in front of the Christmas tree. It never failed that at least one of the dogs would lay down or look somewhere other than the camera at the last second. So, that didn't work out. Finally our patience wore thin and we gave up on that. We may try again, but our days are numbered before the Christmas cards have to be sent out.

I've been making cookies and fudge and other delicious but bad for you treats. I'm stuffing tins full of goodies to give to people. It's a very slow process. :( And, I keep eating what I've made and then I have to make more. haha... that's not so bad, though. :)

Cody attacked Jippy on Monday. I was a mess. First of all, Cody has never attacked any of the dogs. He is as sweet as can be. Jippy irritates the other dogs, and it's likely that he started the fight (he bites the other dogs and jumps on them when they don't want to play -- he's not vicious... just annoying). Daly has attacked him before, but I thought we had it under control. The dogs know that they aren't allowed to fight (unless they're playing -- It's easy to tell the difference). Cody is especially not allowed to be aggressive because he's so big. He could easily hurt any dog he decided to turn against. It's never been a problem before.

I was walking down the stairs getting ready for work when I heard them fighting outside. I assumed that it was Jippy and Daly. It hasn't happened for a while, but they're the only ones we had ever had a problem with. I ran down the stairs and out the door. Well, as I got to the door, I realized that Cody was on top of Jippy biting him. I started screaming at Cody and I shoved him off as I got out the door. Cody stopped as soon as he heard me, but I still wanted them separated. Jippy was shaking. I haven't really spanked Cody since he was a puppy. There hasn't really been a need. I occasionally slap him on his butt when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't be, but never hard. It's just a little tap. It's just the fact that I have slapped him that upsets him and he knows that he has to stop. It breaks my heart to do that because he gives me the sad puppy look.

Well, this time, I was so upset that I really spanked him. Hard. I don't know if it hurt him or not, but I know I hit him hard. Several times. He gave me the sad puppy face and that just made me cry (I was on the verge before because I was so upset, but that sent me over). Joe took Cody and put him in a crate in the garage while I comforted Jippy. He shook all over. So did I. When I calmed Jippy and Daly down (she got upset over all of the commotion), I went into the garage and talked to Cody. I know, some people think I'm crazy for talking to my dogs, but I swear that they understand most of the time. Cody was upset. He doesn't have a crate. Only Jippy, Daly, and Jack have crates. So, he wasn't used to having to be in a crate. I yelled at him and cried and he was sad. I calmed down and told him that he wasn't allowed to attack his brothers. Then Joe and I went to work. I was crying for part of the ride into work. Cody stayed in the crate all day while we were at work.

It's really upsetting to me. For so many reasons. The dogs are not allowed to attack each other, for one. And then, it was Cody. Cody is the one I least expect it from. I've not had any problems out of him. He's not an aggressive dog. He occasionally growls at strange dogs, but he's never attacked any of them (without provocation -- there was a greyhound who attacked Jack and so Cody bit that dog, but I don't count that... that's in his job description). He's always incredibly patient with the other dogs, even when they are incredibly annoying. I expect better of Cody. I love all of the dogs equally, but I love them all for different reasons. Jack is sweet and cute. Jippy is dumb but adorable. Daly is my eager little girl. Cody is my amazingly loyal and smart and just plain good dog. It's not that I love Cody more, it's just that there is no argument that he is the best dog we have. I don't know if that makes sense. He does what he is told. He always behaves himself. We never have any problems out of him. He's the one you can really trust to not let you down. So, I was in shock and so disappointed that he would do such a thing. And on top of it all, Cody is incredibly strong and so much bigger than the other dogs. He weighs about 80 pounds. He has huge teeth. He could seriously hurt or kill one of the other dogs very easily. I hadn't ever thought twice about it before because it's never been an issue. Now it's in the back of my mind eating away at me. If I think that Cody can't be trusted with the other dogs, other arrangements will have to be made. Arrangements that won't make any of us very happy.

Cody is the only un-neutered dog we have. If this happens again, Cody will be getting neutered, no matter what Joe wants or doesn't want. And I don't want to think about what will have to happen if that didn't help.

I'm sure Cody doing that is just like how my mom felt when I skipped school in high school. She was so disappointed in me. She wouldn't speak to me for weeks. I had always been the good daughter. I never did anything wrong and I got straight As. I'm sure she was shocked. It makes me laugh to think of it that way.

I want to go back to how I don't actually love Cody more than the other dogs, because I'm not sure that it made sense... I mean, why wouldn't I love the "good" dog more than the other dogs? I want to try to explain how it's possible. I love Cody for all the reasons that he is a good dog. He protects me when Joe is not home. He is loyal. He knows lots of tricks. He's eager to please. He's just a good dog.

Jack isn't always perfect. He doesn't always listen (even though he is also a very good dog). However, he's got a different personality. He comes across as human a lot of times. He's stubborn, but sweet as can be. And, he always wants to be with me. So, even though some people wouldn't think of him as as good of a dog as Cody, I love Jack just the same for all of his cute imperfections and all of his human characteristics.

Jippy is the least trained dog we have. He is not smart. He doesn't understand what you're trying to get him to do a lot of the time and when he gets confused, he rolls over on his back and pees on himself (it's called submissive wetting). It irritates Joe. While most people wouldn't see how I could love Jippy as much as Cody or Jack, I do. He needs me to understand him. He tries so very hard to please me. It's easy to see that he doesn't want to upset me. He loves me very much and anyone can see that. It's hard for him to understand, but he still tries. And I love him so very much for it. He has to try much harder than the other dogs. And that means a lot.

Daly was the hardest for me to get attached to. But now, I love her all the same as the other dogs. She is lazy. She is not as smart as Cody or Jack, but she is still smarter than Jippy. As she's becoming an adult (she turned 1 on Friday), she's getting even better. She tries to please. And she's very affectionate. She loves to give kisses. And she's learning lots of new tricks. She loves to be near me. It's easy to see how much she loves me. She's very loyal. She wants to be near me when the other dogs are playing (even though she wants to play as well). She fights it. She runs back and forth between playing and coming back to love on me. It's cute. I know that she loves me as she loves her brothers. And she brings out goodness in her brothers. She can get them to play so easily (when she's not being lazy). She has a lot of goodness in her and anyone can see it.

So, it might not make sense to everyone, but I do love all of my boys dearly and equally. I do not have favorites, although it may seem like it sometimes. I just have different expectations for all of the dogs. But I love them all the same for different reasons. :)

Dreams

Last night I had a series of very interesting dreams. I remembered them upon waking, but now I can't remember as much. It's driving me nuts.

In one of my dreams, I was hanging out with someone (a friend), and then he confessed his love to me. I told him that I felt the same way for him, but we couldn't be together because I was with Joe. Then, I'm not sure I broke up with Joe or not, but then this friend and I started dating. It was magical and beautiful and we were apparently just made for each other (but of course that's the way it goes in the beginning of most relationships).

Anyway, a few things are driving me nuts about this. First of all, I can't remember who this friend was in my dream. I know that it was someone that I actually know. Second, I never dream about being in relationships with other people. And thirdly, I'm not secretly madly in love with anyone else, unless it's subconsciously! lol

So, I decided to look up what these dreams "meant." I'm not sure that I believe in dream interpretation, but I was curious, so here is what one website said about my dream:

http://www.freakydreams.com/2336,Cheating.html

"To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiancé, or significant other, suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, it reflects the intensity of your sexual passion and exploring areas of your sexuality. It is actually a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for people approaching a wedding to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than their intended spouses. Most likely, such dreams represent the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity - that of a spouse."

Okay, so I'm not sure that just kissing is considered an "erotic experience", but I know that Joe and I are not near getting married, so I'm not sure that part applies. I have spent much time questioning where my life is headed in general, and that in turn has caused me to wonder if Joe and I truly are going to stay together. I worry a lot that Joe and I aren't meant to be together lately, but I don't know where the worry comes from. We're getting along fine. Nothing has changed between us. I try not to think of it because I think it mostly stems from me being scared about "becoming an adult." I am afraid to think of having to settle down into one job, not going back to school, my friends moving away, and becoming used to a schedule. Work every day from 7:45 to 5:30. Make dinner. Watch tv. Go for a walk. Play with the dogs. Go to sleep. Do it again. It's horrifying to me. So, maybe the dream interpreter is correct in that I am worried about "fruitless endeavors" and changing my identity ("Adult").

http://www.dreamhawk.com/dyd-a7.htm#affair

In general dreaming of a pleasant affair is a way of enjoying or exercising the wonderful feelings of falling in love and sharing emotional and sexual pleasure. Many dreams are compensatory, and therefore make up for the lack of passion or excitement in our daily life. But having an affair in a dream may help keep alive or active the ability to love and be loved if there is not sufficient stimulus in waking life. It is not unusual for married and happy people to dream of an affair with someone else. This may express nothing more than a desire for variety, but of course occasionally is the sign of an infatuation or desire for the person we love in the dream. Adultery dreams may also express release of sexual feelings; desire for another partner; desire for one's partner to have sex with someone else.

The person you are having an affair with may represent a particular attitude or situation in your life. Therefore if the dream has a strong feeling such as failure or fear attached to it, the affair might well be dealing with your relationship with such life situations. Examples include - infidelity; betrayal; failure; longing for love; feeling alone in a relationship; etc.

Another possibility with dreams about an affair is that they express the constant process of trying to find a balance between what we deeply desire and what is socially or personally possible. Some people will marry or live with a person because that person is the best they could achieve in the circumstances. Nevertheless they may still long for someone different. Or perhaps there are aspects of relationship missing in their present situation, and they long for a fuller satisfaction but do not want to destroy their present situation.

Well, more interesting thoughts. Again, this friend and I did not have sex in the dream. I guess I don't just give it up in my dreams either. ;) Am I longing for variety? As I already said, I know I am in my life, but is my relationship boring me as well? Joe and I have been together for almost 4 years (September 23). Maybe subconsciously, I am longing for newness. I haven't been single in almost 8 years. I started dating my high school sweetheart at 15. I was with him for almost 4 years. Then my rebound was Joe. lol... I've never really "dated." I've never been single, really. My high school sweetheart was my first real boyfriend. They are the only 2 guys I have ever been with. And sometimes I do wonder what it would have been like to be single or to just date casually. Don't get me wrong. I love Joe, and I enjoy being with him.

So, based on my dream analysis. I may be bored and looking for variety. I may wonder what it would have been like differently. I may be just upset about life in general (stagnant) and looking for any change in my dreams. Who knows.

It still drives me nuts that I can't remember who my dream affair was with. :( lol