WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOO :D

I had my first day of work with Dunn & Associates, Inc. today. It went really well. It was mostly spent cutting checks. I am used to that. I've used QuickBooks a lot.

I've had a bunch of people ask me what exactly I'll be doing. I am an executive assistant for a property management firm. I'll be doing accounts receivable, accounts payable, basic receptionist duties, other administrative tasks, and keeping up with work orders and such to keep the properties up to snuff for the tenants. :)

I haven't worked in property management before, so I do have a lot to learn, but I think that I am really going to like it. I think it will keep me very busy. And that is a VERY good thing. I hate to be bored. If I get bored at work, I start to dislike my job. I like to stay busy. And, I think this job will give me that. Plus, my boss seems very nice and it seems like a laid back office.

I am really excited about it. I am really feeling right at home here in Colorado. I love it. I can go outside, even when it's hot. There isn't the humidity like in North Carolina. The people here are really nice. We have a wonderful home. And, the dogs love it here, too. And, I've found a job that I think I'm going to like. Life is truly wonderful. :)

A Bad Day...

Most days, I am an optimist. I love the world. I am happy.

Today is not one of those days. Don't get me wrong. My life? It's wonderful. I'm in love with a wonderful man. He's perfect. I have a fabulous family. I have awesome friends. Besides my job search, my life is pretty flipping spectacular.

So, what's got me down? People.

Why do people insist on hurting each other? Why are people dishonest? I just don't get it. Just love one another. Care about your fellow human beings. Tell the truth. It's going to hurt a lot less in the long run.

Why don't people know how to have healthy relationships? Be honest with each other. Even if you think it's going to hurt. It's going to be better in the long run; sooner or later, the other party will realize your lies and it's going to HURT.

Trust is the most important part of a relationship. Most people would say that it's love. They're wrong. I've loved all of the people that I've broken up with. However, I didn't trust them. That's the end.

If you can't trust your partner, there isn't a relationship. You should be able to trust the person you spend most of your time and energy on. If you can't trust your partner, they aren't really your partner anymore, are they?

What's the worst hurt you've ever felt? Most likely, it's when someone you truly care about has broken your trust. Why inflict that on other people?

People should just learn to be honest and to love one another. The world would be a better place. And the divorce rate would be a lot lower.

My Gloriously Fantastic Life :)

My life is wonderful. Sometimes I am just in complete awe of it. I have the most wonderful man in the world as my partner in life. I have four beautiful pups. I may be jobless right now, but I know that it will look up. I have amazing friends. I have a slightly crazy but incredible family.

Vacation is in 2 weeks now. That's 8 days in Denver and then coming back to go to the beach for a few days. Two full weeks spent with Philip without him having to go to work. That's hiking, exploring, swimming, and wonderful bliss. :)

We are moving in 64 days. That's a new start in a new state 1,600 miles away. That's new friends and new places and new experiences. And it will all be shared with the love of my life.

My life is absolutely amazing.

Life...

Ummm... so, yeah. Life. It's going on. lol

I don't have a whole lot to say. I'm still jobless. But, I love it. Not the not having a job part; the not having to go to a job that I hate part. I'm getting closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life. I can feel it. :) I feel great. I'm happy. I'm doing what I want. I'm broke, but that's just fine by me. It's really freeing actually. I don't know what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go, but I know it's going to be awesome.

I've realized that I've grown apart from most of the friends that I know here. It's sad in a way, but also, it's kind of freeing, too. No one expects anything of me. I have Philip and I've become very close to Brandon, but I've grown away from most everyone else. It's probably for the best since I plan to leave next summer... probably. lol... another uncertainty.

I'm ready to move forward. It's no secret that I'm pretty tired of North Carolina. I can't stand the summers. The heat is not my friend. And, I feel like I've found what I came here to find. I'm ready for something new. And luckily, so is Philip. Since he knows what he wants, I've told him to figure out where he wants to go to school and we will just move... Unless it's Florida. lol Fortunately, he doesn't want to live in Florida either. :)

Most likely, it will be Colorado. It's someplace we both want to go. But, that may be saved for later if he finds a school he really wants to go to. It doesn't matter to me. I'm ready for new people, new places, and new adventures. I have a gypsy soul and it's telling me it's coming close to time to move on.

Someone asked me the other day, "Aren't you scared?" The answer is yes. But that's not the question people should ask. If I never did anything I wasn't a little scared or nervous about, I wouldn't leave the house. I could die driving to the grocery store. I could fall down the stairs outside my apartment. Or, I could move someplace new and it could be awful. But, I'm not willing to give up all the awesome adventures I could be having for fear of something bad happening.

For all I know, I will move someplace new and I will not like the weather or I will have to work someplace I'm not thrilled about. Or, I could move someplace new and meet some of the best friends I could ever ask for or make the best memories of my life. I'm not ready to give up on the possibilities of those good things just because I'm nervous about the bad possibilities.

It's going to be awesome.

Taylor Swift

I saw a Bumper Sticker on Facebook a while back that said "Taylor Swift sings about my life," or something like that. At the time I thought it was funny. That was when that song "Love Story" was really popular and basically the only song they played on the radio. The song was really catchy so I found myself singing along but it really bothered me because I didn't really like the lyrics. I couldn't help myself though. That song is SO catchy.

And ridiculous. A few of the lyrics:

Little did I know
That you were Romeo
You were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said to stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go

Most of my friends know that I hate the story of Romeo and Juliet. It's ridiculous. It's not a story about love. It's a story about youth and lust. And, it's not some awesome ideal that people should aspire to. Barely know someone and commit suicide together... not my idea of a love story. Also, this lyric portrays the girl as weak. Yuck.

Some more:

Romeo save me
They're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby, just say yes

If the "love" is so difficult and people are telling you that he's bad news, chances are, you should listen to them.

Another:

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all i really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Seriously? I mean, a few lines ago, Daddy hated the boy and now he's agreed to let you marry his daughter? Not that I think dads have the right to "give their daughters away" to a suitable husband, but the lyrics don't make sense. Also, at the beginning of this, she was losing faith in him and wasn't sure they were going to make it, but then he proposes and everything is peachy again? WTF?? That doesn't make sense. If you can't make a relationship work, how do you make a marriage work?

Ugh. It's disgusting. And yet, I still sing the damn song when I hear it on the radio. It pisses me off. Damn you, Taylor Swift, for having such an awful but catchy song.

Anyway, back to the bumper sticker. I listened to a song by Taylor Swift a few weeks ago called "Fifteen." And it really does talk about my life. My high school life, that is.

A few lyrics:

'Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes you head spin 'round but
In your life you'll do things greater
Than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna
Marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

Those lyrics definitely speak to me. When I was 15, I thought that I was going to marry my high school sweetheart, Michael. He was my world. And completely awful for me. ♫♪ But, I didn't know that at 15. ♪♫ And after I finally broke up with him for the 87th time and it was really and truly over, I really did wish I could go back and shake some sense into myself. I know now that nothing would have turned out the way it is now if I wouldn't have done what I did, so I don't want to change it. It's still not a proud point of my life though.

So, I could say that the bumper sticker was true for me now, but I don't want people to confuse it with the "Love Story" song... that one is stupid. lol

And some stuff happened...

Things are going great in my life again. :)

Joe has decided to stay friends with me. He finally figured out that other people's crap is irrelevant to our situation. We had a wonderful chat on Friday and then we hung out for a few hours on Sunday. It's wonderful to have my best friend back. :)

Yes, I am dating Philip. So far, people are either completely shocked or they saw it coming for a while. The people who saw it coming scare me. lol... it's weird to me because I didn't see it coming at all.

I met Philip over 4 years ago. If someone would have told me then that this would happen, I would have laughed in their face. Of course, Philip and I have both changed a lot in that time.

Even if someone would have told me 2 months ago that this would happen, I would have laughed. I guess Philip has had feelings for me for a little while though. A friend of Philip's saw it coming for years. Before even Philip felt anything. That is scary. She is obviously psychic and worthy of my fear. lol

Another surprising thing... Philip is by far the best boyfriend I have ever had. I know I'm not really all that experienced with that (my total is up to 3 boyfriends now... lol), but still, I know he's wonderful. He really knows how to treat a woman. :) He listens. He talks. He is so sweet. He's not nearly as big of a pain as he pretends to be. Ha!

Something slight disturbing... Apparently I'm a whore. lol... it feels funny to write that. I'm just kidding about it though. It's just something frustrating that I've come across in recent weeks. A few weeks ago, someone assumed that because I'm dating Philip that I was having sex with him... and that was after only dating him for a few days. It's irritating to me because I think that people should know me better than that.

A friend of mine started dating someone who he didn't really know and almost immediately started a physical relationship with her. That's horrifying to me. I know that he's in love, but still... he doesn't know her at all. I don't know how people jump into that. I mean, I've been friends with Philip for about 4 and a half years and I don't feel comfortable jumping into bed with him. How do people have sex with people they don't know??

Blah... I'm done with that now. I went to Carowinds on Saturday with Philip. I had an awesome time. :) It's funny to me that I am terrified of falling and heights, but I love roller coasters. It's nice to have someone to go with me. I can do what I want again. It's fantastic. I love Joe, but I feel like I lost who I was with him. And now I've found me again. It's wonderful.

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?

Easter + New Addiction

I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt like it. I've mostly been reading. I'm have a new obsession with Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. There are 14 numbered books (One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to Get Deadly, etc.) and 4 between-the-numbers books (Visions of Sugar Plums, Plum Lovin', Plum Lucky, and Plum Spooky). I only have Fearless Fourteen and Plum Spooky left to read. And then Finger Lickin' Fifteen comes out in June. I've run through them in about 2 weeks. They are incredibly addictive.

I went home for Easter. It was wonderful. I got some time away and I got to spend some time with my family. I left Thursday, April 9 and came back Monday, April 13. It was a short trip, but I had a great time. However, I got my first speeding ticket on the way there. No bueno. I was doing 85 in a 65. Yuck. The officer told me that if I went to court, they would drop it to improper equipment and then it wouldn't go against my license. And that is good. I just got word from my insurance company that my insurance is rising because of a speeding ticket that Joe got. He's not even the primary driver. It used to be $130 every 6 months. Now it's $270 every 6 months. Insanity! I'm dropping him off of my insurance. If this one goes against his license, my insurance would be outrageous!

He is out of town this week. So, I will get to have a wonderfully quiet week to myself. Peaceful. :) It's good timing, too, because I need some time to myself. I'm feeling a need for isolation. My life is feeling claustrophobic. Joe doesn't understand my dislike for my job and we've argued about it too much lately. I'm growing resentful. It's probably the reason my breathing problems are flared up again. I haven't used my inhaler in over 2 months. I need it now. Unfortunately, I left it in South Korea and I haven't made it to get a refill yet. So, I'm dragging myself along until I can get to the pharmacy at a time when they're actually open. Ugh. Do you ever think to yourself, "Wow... this is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life"?

::Positive thoughts::

I have a job. I have a wonderful home. I have 4 beautiful pups. I have a boyfriend who doesn't drive me nuts 100% of the time. :)

Almost better...

Blah, blah, blah

So, I'm bored. I dislike my job. I want to quit, but I cannot. I need the money (I would complain about the mortgage payment but I love the house too much to do so). The economy is beyond sucking. So, I cannot find another job. It pretty much blows. A lot. I've been trying to stay positive about my job. It's hard to do though. I'm sick of it. At least I have my Fridays off now. It makes it much easier to tolerate.

Even though I am currently stuck, I've been trying to think about what I want to do with my life. What have I come up with? Nothing. I have no idea. I'm completely lost. What do I want to do with my life? A million different things. I've thought about going to seminary. I've thought about becoming a cop (weird, huh?!). I've thought about becoming a nurse (scary considering the fact that I'm a belonephobiac). Most of what I've really thought about requires more education. I'm kind of, sort of ready to go back to school... almost. But, I couldn't go back to school right now even if I was ready because of financial reasons.

What I'm dreaming about now is finishing this book and then it creating enough income for myself so that I can stay at home and just write. I know... it's incredibly unlikely. And even if it does happen, I'm sure it will not be for a long time. Especially since I have very little motivation to do much writing. I'm doing a lot of reading right now, but very litting writing. I need to get going in a higher gear. It's just hard to be motivated when I'm feeling lousy about the job and feeling so unsure about where my life is headed.

Ugh. At least things are getting better. I'm watching more of what I eat and I'm getting enough exercise. I've lost some weight. I look better. I'm just waiting for my mind to follow the lead of my body. :)