Taylor Swift

I saw a Bumper Sticker on Facebook a while back that said "Taylor Swift sings about my life," or something like that. At the time I thought it was funny. That was when that song "Love Story" was really popular and basically the only song they played on the radio. The song was really catchy so I found myself singing along but it really bothered me because I didn't really like the lyrics. I couldn't help myself though. That song is SO catchy.

And ridiculous. A few of the lyrics:

Little did I know
That you were Romeo
You were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said to stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go

Most of my friends know that I hate the story of Romeo and Juliet. It's ridiculous. It's not a story about love. It's a story about youth and lust. And, it's not some awesome ideal that people should aspire to. Barely know someone and commit suicide together... not my idea of a love story. Also, this lyric portrays the girl as weak. Yuck.

Some more:

Romeo save me
They're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby, just say yes

If the "love" is so difficult and people are telling you that he's bad news, chances are, you should listen to them.

Another:

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all i really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Seriously? I mean, a few lines ago, Daddy hated the boy and now he's agreed to let you marry his daughter? Not that I think dads have the right to "give their daughters away" to a suitable husband, but the lyrics don't make sense. Also, at the beginning of this, she was losing faith in him and wasn't sure they were going to make it, but then he proposes and everything is peachy again? WTF?? That doesn't make sense. If you can't make a relationship work, how do you make a marriage work?

Ugh. It's disgusting. And yet, I still sing the damn song when I hear it on the radio. It pisses me off. Damn you, Taylor Swift, for having such an awful but catchy song.

Anyway, back to the bumper sticker. I listened to a song by Taylor Swift a few weeks ago called "Fifteen." And it really does talk about my life. My high school life, that is.

A few lyrics:

'Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes you head spin 'round but
In your life you'll do things greater
Than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna
Marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

Those lyrics definitely speak to me. When I was 15, I thought that I was going to marry my high school sweetheart, Michael. He was my world. And completely awful for me. ♫♪ But, I didn't know that at 15. ♪♫ And after I finally broke up with him for the 87th time and it was really and truly over, I really did wish I could go back and shake some sense into myself. I know now that nothing would have turned out the way it is now if I wouldn't have done what I did, so I don't want to change it. It's still not a proud point of my life though.

So, I could say that the bumper sticker was true for me now, but I don't want people to confuse it with the "Love Story" song... that one is stupid. lol

Life... and love.

I will be in Gatlinburg for the weekend. A long weekend. A FOUR DAY WEEKEND. Oh my goodness... I can't even express how excited I am about this weekend. My parents and my sister are coming down and we're going to go hiking, shopping, and white-water rafting. And Philip is coming with me. It doesn't get much better! :)

I found someone to take my job. I've been training her for just over a week now. It's going really well. I think she'll fit well... for at least a while. She can keep the guys in line... I hope. And she has no attachments to the family, so she shouldn't be torn in a million different directions. Also, she has lots of administrative experience and is used to dealing with bulls**t and having to babysit her bosses.

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Sometimes I think about Philip and wonder how I ever stayed with any other boyfriend. I mean, Philip is wonderful to me. He tells me that he only treats me the way that I deserve to be treated. Why did I put up with any less?? lol

The dogs. Always so much drama. Ugh. Hopefully I can figure out something to do with them. I don't want to find them new homes because they are MY babies. But, Joe makes things difficult a lot of the time.

Joe. I swear, things go up and down more than a rollercoaster. Some days I think he hates me and then the next day, things are peachy-keen and he wants to be friends. I hope that things will be different when I'm not working with him anymore. Then we will either have to be real friends or just completely go our separate ways.

Most of the time now, I wonder why we were together for so long. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean that now, I can't figure out what I saw in him. We are so VERY different. He drives me crazy for the most part. I still care for him, but sometimes I sit down and think about everything we went through and wonder how we made it as long as we did. The heart is a scary thing. I stayed with Joe through a lot of crappiness and unhappiness and gave everything I had to try to make the relationship work. But, I don't honestly know why. The only thing I can come up with is love. I loved Joe with every fiber of my being. But why were we in love? What made us fall in love? What made us stay in love? It wasn't what we had in common... we actually had/have very little in common. We mostly just had a mutual love for each other in common.

I used to think that was fine. I thought every relationship would require a lot of sacrifice and that being different made things interesting. What I didn't realize is that I was giving FAR too much of myself to the relationship and not getting nearly enough out of it. I'm a sucker for the underdog. Stray puppies, geeky teenagers, losing teams, or anything else that needs help... I get sucked in. I can't look away. I have to give what I can to help. That goes for relationships, too, apparently.

I have recently realized that my previous two boyfriends were sucking the life out of me. I gave everything to the relationships and had nothing left for myself. It's not a problem for me to be giving freely to a relationship but it's unhealthy if the partner is not reciprocating. It royally sucks to be taken for granted.

I think it's probably never going to sink in for Michael, but I think that Joe sees what went wrong with our relationship and what he needs to do differently to make a relationship work. And, I learned things from both of those relationships. It's just taking a while to sink in... ;) I can't let my partners walk all over me. I need a give and take relationship. Not just a give relationship. And, I can't let love make all my decisions for me. Love is not enough to keep a relationship alive. It requires work from both partners and for there to be some common ground. A relationship cannot work if only one person is in it.

Philip and I have been dating for almost 4 months. We have yet to have a single argument. I didn't know that was possible. Seriously. I honestly did not know what a healthy relationship was before now. I thought I did. And it scares me because I think there are probably lots of people out there who think they are in healthy relationships and they really aren't. And that makes me sad.

Philip is supportive and sweet and loving and thankful and generous and easy-going and wonderful. Ugh. I'm disgustingly in love with him. He makes it easy to be in a relationship. He wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy. And we make each other happy. And it's so effing wonderful... it's indescribable. I'm sure we disgust people. lol We just have a lot in common and have common goals and it's just SO EASY. How can it be so easy? I love it. :)

Ridiculously happy :)

I am completely and utterly, ridiculously happy. :) I don't think I've ever been so happy in all of my life. And that's even with all of the drama still in my life. It's so incredibly wonderful. :)

Philip and I haven't been dating for very long, but I'm so in love with him. He's the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had. There aren't enough positive adjectives to describe how I feel.

He's sweet and caring. He's smart and funny. He wants to make me happy. He tells me I'm beautiful and he treats me so well. And we have so much fun together. We've gone to a few concerts together (side note: The Fray was soooo incredibly AWESOME! It was definitely worth the money. And they were with Jack's Mannequin who are also great in concert... they have so much energy!) and we've gone to Carowinds together (before that, I hadn't been on a rollercoaster in years!). We actually enjoy the same things!

I know it sounds crazy, but I've never really had this before. I've been in love before. I was in love with Michael and I was in love with Joe. However, I didn't really have that much in common with either of them. It makes things a lot more complicated. I enjoyed being in their company, but there wasn't a whole lot we could do together. Michael and I had racing. Joe and I went for walks and played games together. Neither of them liked concerts or crowds. So, I didn't get to go to concerts or to amusement parks or anything like that (because I'm a people pleaser).

With Philip, we like doing a lot of the same things. It's awesome. We can just hang out and watch a movie and smoke the hookah (without him getting antsy about not doing anything). We can go ride a bunch of rollercoasters (without him having a panic attack about all of the people or complaining about the lines). We can go to a concert (without him complaining about the crowds and the noise). We can lay around and talk (without the need to go!go!go!). And he can hold me without it having to lead to something more. I've never had this before.

Philip is the perfect boyfriend. If someone would have told me that last year, I probably would have laughed. But it's true. I don't know how he managed to keep it a secret. He is wonderful. I am a very lucky woman. :)

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?