How to have a HAPPY relationship

First of all, start with a partner that you can tolerate. (haha) I know that seems really simple, but it's the most common mistake. This partnership cannot last just because you love someone. I've been in 3 serious relationships. I loved the first two men so much... but that didn't make any difference. By the end of the relationships, I had started to hate both of them. I wasn't compatible with either of them but I had convinced myself that love was enough. I was wrong.

Here is my list of things that you need to have in common in order to have a happy, healthy relationship:

1. You need to be sexually compatible. If one of you is a sex addict and the other has a low or even normal sex drive, the relationship is not going to work.
2. You need to have similar goals. If one of you wants a dozen kids and the other wants none, the relationship is not going to work.
3. You need to have similar personalities. If one of you is a LOT more dominant than the other, one person is always going to get walked all over. The relationship will not work that way.
4. You need to have things in common. I know they say opposites attract (I've been a victim), but if you don't have any common ground, the relationship will not work.
5. You need to be your own person (same goes for your partner). If you don't have a life outside of your partner, the relationship will not work. You need to have hobbies and interests that are your own. You cannot spend every waking second with your partner; you'll get sick of each other eventually.
6. You need to have TRUST. If you don't trust your partner, why have you chosen them to be your partner? Your partner is supposed to be your confidant; the person you choose to spend your life with. If you can't trust your partner, who can you trust? If you have insecurities, figure them out. If your partner is not worthy of your trust, kick them to the curb. If a relationship does not have trust, there is NO relationship. It's just not going to work.

I'd like to expand on what I've said in a few of those rules. If you do not allow your partner to have his or her own life, they are going to resent you. Let me give an example. A bunch of Philip's coworkers want him to go to Las Vegas with them in August as a sort of bachelor party. His coworkers thought that it would be hell getting me to agree to that. So did my friends. Do you know what I said when Philip told me about it? My exact words: That's a great idea!

I didn't have to stop to think about it. I was appalled that other people thought I wouldn't allow it. I TRUST Philip. I know Philip is a wonderful partner. I know that he would not do anything to hurt me. I want Philip to be happy. I want him to go out and do things with his friends. I know that he wants to go to Vegas. So, why would I not let him go? It's ridiculous to think that I would have a problem with it.

If I did not trust Philip to spend a weekend in Vegas with his buddies, I'd have to ask myself why I was marrying him. If I couldn't trust him for 3 days without me, what kind of relationship is that?

I think this is one of the biggest problems in relationships. There is no trust and people are not allowing their partners to be themselves. Philip loves video games. He plays them fairly often. I have no problem with it. He has a friend whose wife will not allow him to play video games very often. He has to ask permission and even then, he can typically only play when his wife is at work. What kind of relationship is that?

As Philip's partner, I want him to be happy. I know that video games (among other things) make him happy. Why would I not let him play video games? I mean, I would understand the wife if it was all Philip's friend ever did, but come on people. Your partner should still be able to be his or herself. That means that they should still be able to do what they want to do without you flipping your lid. It's beyond ridiculous.

Be a good partner. It makes the relationship much simpler. If you're in a relationship that isn't working, take a look at yourself. Are you being a good partner? If not, maybe you should become one and see how the relationship works then. If you're a good partner and your relationship still isn't working, you may want to check to see if your partner is a good partner. If he or she isn't, have a chat. See if they know that they're being a bad partner. If they aren't willing to be a good partner to you, it may be time to accept that you and your partner just aren't compatible.

Trick-or-Treat Rules

It's no secret; Philip and I love Halloween. We dress up and we decorate our house to the extreme. This year was no different. Our house was really popular... I'm not sure if it was the crazy, scary stuff we had set up or if it was the handfuls of candy we were handing out. ;)

Anyway, I love trick-or-treaters. I love seeing the costumes. I love hearing the wee-little ones try to say "trick or treat!" I love making the kids happy.

Despite all the love that I feel for the day, there are a few things that really irritate me. Since we spent about $100 on candy (good candy, not the crap candy), and I am in control of said candy, you really don't want to irritate me (also, I'll make Philip sneak out of the bushes and scare the bejeebers out of you). So, here are my rules for trick-or-treating:

1. Wear a costume. I know a lot of people are sticklers for age. I don't really care how old you are. If you're wearing a costume, I don't care if you're 3 or 30, I'll give you candy. If you're not wearing a costume, get off my porch.
2. Use your manners. Don't take giant handfuls of candy unless you're told that you can (I told kids to take handfuls, but if the greeter doesn't say anything, assume you're only supposed to take 1). And say THANK YOU. It's not hard. For the really little ones, I don't really mind. I would probably be afraid to talk to a zombie bride, too, if I were only 3 or 4 years old (I was a zombie bride for halloween -- so much fun!). But, for the older kids, if you don't say thank you, I may just figure out where you live and tee-pee your house. Okay, so probably not... but I'll at least think negative thoughts about you. HA!
3. Don't walk across people's lawns. It's just rude. I had the sidewalk lit up for a reason. Use it. I don't care about my lawn that much, but come on parents! Teach your kids basic manners.
4. Parents, don't let your kids eat the candy before you inspect it! I know I didn't poison my candy, but do you really want to take that chance? Your kids can wait until they get home to eat some candy. Or you can check a few pieces while you're on the go. But, PLEASE, don't let your kid grab candy and automatically eat it. There are crazies out there!
5. Parents, if you dress up to take your kids trick-or-treating, I will give your kids extra candy. Yeah, I know. It's not really fair. But, I like it when other adults dress up along with me. :)

That's all I can think of right now. But, I did want to mention that my Zombie Bride costume was a huge hit. I even got hit on by one of the dads! The parents and kids loved the costume and the house. We were a huge hit! :)

For my costume, I used an old white prom dress and got some white tulle to make my own veil. Then, I did some zombie make-up and sprayed myself with fake blood. It was really easy and it actually looked great. However, I did have to do some major scrubbing to get the blood off my skin. It was definitely worth it, though!

Tara's Rules for Beggars...

So, I was talking to my boss the other day and mentioned that I try not to keep much cash on me at all times because I will give it to beggars. He told me that it was a bad idea... he once saw a 20/20 episode about how beggars make some CRAZY amount of money per hour or whatnot.

I don't care what 20/20 has to say. I know that I would have to be in some serious, end of the world times in order for me to stand on a street corner and beg for money. I try to keep that in mind when I see people begging on the street.

However, I do have a few rules for beggars. When I do happen to have cash on me, I will not give it to just anyone... there are lots of beggars in Denver. I have to be choosey or I'll go broke!

So, without further ado, here are Tara's rules for beggars:

1. If you stand on the same street corner every day with the same sign, I will not give you money. You need to at least be creative. I feel like you're not even trying if I see you EVERY day in the same place.
   
2. If you are well dressed, I will not give you money. If you're wearing nice clothes, you've still got something to sell to make money. You don't NEED to be out on that street corner begging. You've still got something.
3. If your sign is bland and uncreative, I will not give you money. "Anything helps" may very well be true, but it doesn't tell me much about your situation. Honesty is also helpful. I saw a man with a sign that said, "Need money for beer." If I would have had cash, I would have given him some. I mean, come on. If I'm homeless, I sure as hell am going to want a beer to drown my sorrows in. Honesty is the best policy. If you've got 7 kids and a pregnant wife, put that on your sign. I'm more likely to feel bad for a family than a bachelor.
4. If you have a disability of some sort, you automatically go to the top of the pile. Yeah, I know. You can't really make yourself disabled... but, if I see that you're an amputee or you're in a wheelchair, I'm going to feel bad for you and want to help. It's the mother in me. I want to make things all better.
   
5. If you are a veteran, I am more likely to give to you. Yeah, I know. It can be faked... whatever. I'm just saying that if you appear to be a veteran (your sign tells me so!), I will be more likely to fork over the dough.
6. If you are arrogant or an asshole, I will not give you money. If you act like you DESERVE a handout/handup, I'm not giving you jack squat. If you appear embarrassed and uncomfortable, I am more likely to give you money. If you appear especially thankful, I will probably add a little bit to that. I hate when people act like I have an obligation to give them money... instead of the idea that they should be grateful for the help that I am giving them. I understand that everyone has bad times; everyone needs help sometimes. However, that does not mean that you get to be a jerk about it.
   

I think that's about it for now. So, if you're a beggar, follow these rules. And, I will give you some cash if I've got it. :) And, I wish all of you the best of luck so that none of you ever have to think of these rules. And, please remember how you would feel if your life took terrible turns and you ended up having to beg for money to buy food. Love your neighbor. :)

Sex... (That title caught your attention, right?!)

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's been egged on a lot by movies I've seen recently.

People are insane! There are actually people out there who have sex with random people who they do not know. This is a horrifying thought to me.

I have rules about sex that I do not break. I'm not so conservative as to say that marriage should be saved for marriage (I don't believe that... sex is an important aspect of a relationship and you need to know if you're sexually compatible before committing yourself to someone for the rest of your life), but I do have more conservative rules than society seems to be pushing.

Number one, I have to be in a serious relationship with someone. Number two, I have to be in love with them. I've never broken my rules. I don't know how I could live with myself if I did. I'm not saying that my rules are for everyone, but I would think that everyone should at least know the person they're sleeping with.

I have my rules for my own reasons. Sex is very personal for me. It's something to be shared with someone that I love. Not for just anyone. However, I know that sex isn't that for everyone. However, that doesn't mean that people should have sex with someone that they picked up in a bar. You don't know that person. There are serious repercussions for having sex with someone you don't know.

First of all, disease. Herpes is not how you want to remember that crazy weekend. It's disgusting and it's going to put a serious damper on your future plans. Even if someone appears to be clean, looks can be deceiving. And can you really trust someone you just met to tell you the truth??

Second of all, pregnancy. Do you really want to be impregnated by someone that you know nothing about?? I realize that not everyone has the same attitude as me about abortion not being an option, but still, even pro-choicers know that abortion can be traumatizing.

Third of all, the person you go home with could be a freak. This goes for women especially since we are more likely to be raped/attacked. That person who seemed great in the bar could be a rapist or murderer. Is the possibility of an orgasm really worth that threat?? It isn't to me!

Finally, how high could your self esteem be if you're willing to open your legs for anyone? I think people should love themselves more than that.

I'm not saying that everyone should have to be in love with the person they give themselves over to. I've known/been with people who sex was more like a game or sport to pass the time. Even still, that doesn't mean that those people need to have sex with anyone. Is it really going to kill a person to wait a while to find out if that person is worth your time?

Come on, people. Be safe. And find out something more than that person's favorite position or bust size before going to bed with them.