Life... and love.

I will be in Gatlinburg for the weekend. A long weekend. A FOUR DAY WEEKEND. Oh my goodness... I can't even express how excited I am about this weekend. My parents and my sister are coming down and we're going to go hiking, shopping, and white-water rafting. And Philip is coming with me. It doesn't get much better! :)

I found someone to take my job. I've been training her for just over a week now. It's going really well. I think she'll fit well... for at least a while. She can keep the guys in line... I hope. And she has no attachments to the family, so she shouldn't be torn in a million different directions. Also, she has lots of administrative experience and is used to dealing with bulls**t and having to babysit her bosses.

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Sometimes I think about Philip and wonder how I ever stayed with any other boyfriend. I mean, Philip is wonderful to me. He tells me that he only treats me the way that I deserve to be treated. Why did I put up with any less?? lol

The dogs. Always so much drama. Ugh. Hopefully I can figure out something to do with them. I don't want to find them new homes because they are MY babies. But, Joe makes things difficult a lot of the time.

Joe. I swear, things go up and down more than a rollercoaster. Some days I think he hates me and then the next day, things are peachy-keen and he wants to be friends. I hope that things will be different when I'm not working with him anymore. Then we will either have to be real friends or just completely go our separate ways.

Most of the time now, I wonder why we were together for so long. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean that now, I can't figure out what I saw in him. We are so VERY different. He drives me crazy for the most part. I still care for him, but sometimes I sit down and think about everything we went through and wonder how we made it as long as we did. The heart is a scary thing. I stayed with Joe through a lot of crappiness and unhappiness and gave everything I had to try to make the relationship work. But, I don't honestly know why. The only thing I can come up with is love. I loved Joe with every fiber of my being. But why were we in love? What made us fall in love? What made us stay in love? It wasn't what we had in common... we actually had/have very little in common. We mostly just had a mutual love for each other in common.

I used to think that was fine. I thought every relationship would require a lot of sacrifice and that being different made things interesting. What I didn't realize is that I was giving FAR too much of myself to the relationship and not getting nearly enough out of it. I'm a sucker for the underdog. Stray puppies, geeky teenagers, losing teams, or anything else that needs help... I get sucked in. I can't look away. I have to give what I can to help. That goes for relationships, too, apparently.

I have recently realized that my previous two boyfriends were sucking the life out of me. I gave everything to the relationships and had nothing left for myself. It's not a problem for me to be giving freely to a relationship but it's unhealthy if the partner is not reciprocating. It royally sucks to be taken for granted.

I think it's probably never going to sink in for Michael, but I think that Joe sees what went wrong with our relationship and what he needs to do differently to make a relationship work. And, I learned things from both of those relationships. It's just taking a while to sink in... ;) I can't let my partners walk all over me. I need a give and take relationship. Not just a give relationship. And, I can't let love make all my decisions for me. Love is not enough to keep a relationship alive. It requires work from both partners and for there to be some common ground. A relationship cannot work if only one person is in it.

Philip and I have been dating for almost 4 months. We have yet to have a single argument. I didn't know that was possible. Seriously. I honestly did not know what a healthy relationship was before now. I thought I did. And it scares me because I think there are probably lots of people out there who think they are in healthy relationships and they really aren't. And that makes me sad.

Philip is supportive and sweet and loving and thankful and generous and easy-going and wonderful. Ugh. I'm disgustingly in love with him. He makes it easy to be in a relationship. He wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy. And we make each other happy. And it's so effing wonderful... it's indescribable. I'm sure we disgust people. lol We just have a lot in common and have common goals and it's just SO EASY. How can it be so easy? I love it. :)

Goings on...

WARNING: This blog post is going to be completely random. :)

If you haven't seen Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, you need to. It's incredibly awesome. Philip, Joe, and I all agree, it's better than the first. And the first, it was awesome! :)

I'm going to see Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs on Friday night. :) In 3-D. It's going to be incredible (In case you didn't already know, I am a HUGE Ice Age fan).

I'm going to go see fireworks in downtown Charlotte on Saturday night. :)

Philip and I will be making the journey to Plymouth, Indiana on the weekend of July 24th. And, Philip will get to, officially, meet my parents (they met once for a few minutes at my graduation). But, he talks to my mom about as much as I do (the wonders of Facebook), so that meeting will probably be anti-climactic. ;)

People continue to make too much of our situation. Joe and I are still really good friends. I think he's crazy (he's aware), and we are completely incompatible in a relationship (we've discussed this topic quite a bit... how did we ever stay together for over 4 and a half years?), but we are still close. We still work together and we still talk outside of work (sometimes for hours on the phone). And, Joe and Philip are still friends.

However, people still imagine that there is some sort of hostility between us. They're trying to pick sides or egg on drama. It's completely ridiculous. I don't understand why people think it's any of their business. I was angry earlier this week over some stupid crap that was happening, but I've decided just to let it go. If people want to be crazy, I can't stop them.

How is it that some people can love drama so much?? It hurts me. I can't handle drama. Some people seem to feed off of it, though. Even if there is drama which in no way involves them, they find a way to make themselves a part of it. And there are people who want to be miserable. I don't understand it! The more bad things that happen, the happier those people are... It's disturbing. How do people live like that?

I'm looking for somebody to go with me to the Aerosmith/ZZ Top concert on July 9th at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater in Charlotte. Is anyone interested?? If so, give me a call or send me a message. I really want to go, but I don't want to go alone (there will probably be a lot of creepers there and I'm not very scary... lol).

I've finished reading the first five Harry Potter books. I'm on the sixth. And I've watched the first 2.5 movies. :) Philip and I are going to see the sixth movie when it comes out.

I'm going to see Coldplay in concert for my birthday. :)

I will be 24 years old in about a month. Damn, I'm getting old.

I miss Heroes/Sylar. I'm going through withdrawal. I can't wait until September 21st when season 4 will start back. :)

Well, I think that's enough randomness for now. :)

Ridiculously happy :)

I am completely and utterly, ridiculously happy. :) I don't think I've ever been so happy in all of my life. And that's even with all of the drama still in my life. It's so incredibly wonderful. :)

Philip and I haven't been dating for very long, but I'm so in love with him. He's the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had. There aren't enough positive adjectives to describe how I feel.

He's sweet and caring. He's smart and funny. He wants to make me happy. He tells me I'm beautiful and he treats me so well. And we have so much fun together. We've gone to a few concerts together (side note: The Fray was soooo incredibly AWESOME! It was definitely worth the money. And they were with Jack's Mannequin who are also great in concert... they have so much energy!) and we've gone to Carowinds together (before that, I hadn't been on a rollercoaster in years!). We actually enjoy the same things!

I know it sounds crazy, but I've never really had this before. I've been in love before. I was in love with Michael and I was in love with Joe. However, I didn't really have that much in common with either of them. It makes things a lot more complicated. I enjoyed being in their company, but there wasn't a whole lot we could do together. Michael and I had racing. Joe and I went for walks and played games together. Neither of them liked concerts or crowds. So, I didn't get to go to concerts or to amusement parks or anything like that (because I'm a people pleaser).

With Philip, we like doing a lot of the same things. It's awesome. We can just hang out and watch a movie and smoke the hookah (without him getting antsy about not doing anything). We can go ride a bunch of rollercoasters (without him having a panic attack about all of the people or complaining about the lines). We can go to a concert (without him complaining about the crowds and the noise). We can lay around and talk (without the need to go!go!go!). And he can hold me without it having to lead to something more. I've never had this before.

Philip is the perfect boyfriend. If someone would have told me that last year, I probably would have laughed. But it's true. I don't know how he managed to keep it a secret. He is wonderful. I am a very lucky woman. :)

Life...

I swear, every time I think things are going well, something else falls onto my lap.

Joe and I agreed that the dogs would stay with him until I could get on my feet. I couldn't find an apartment that would let me keep the dogs, so I got a cheap apartment where I could hopefully save up some money and be able to afford to buy a house next year. I wasn't thrilled about it because they are my dogs and I would like for them to live with me. But, I thought Joe would take care of them.

He told me this morning that he's decided to have them all be outside dogs. He says it keeps the house cleaner. Well, the house would be cleaner if he never went home either, but I don't see him doing that.

I am absolutely livid. The dogs have always been indoor dogs. And now, suddenly they're supposed to be outdoor? They are scared to be outside by themselves at night and now they're supposed to have to sleep out there? And Jack gets cold if it's below 70 degrees. He is definitely not an outdoor dog. And Cody is already taking everything so badly that he's going to be even more traumatized. He misses me and doesn't know what to do. And now he's really going to feel abandoned.

It's days like today where I wonder what I ever saw in Joe.

And some stuff happened...

Things are going great in my life again. :)

Joe has decided to stay friends with me. He finally figured out that other people's crap is irrelevant to our situation. We had a wonderful chat on Friday and then we hung out for a few hours on Sunday. It's wonderful to have my best friend back. :)

Yes, I am dating Philip. So far, people are either completely shocked or they saw it coming for a while. The people who saw it coming scare me. lol... it's weird to me because I didn't see it coming at all.

I met Philip over 4 years ago. If someone would have told me then that this would happen, I would have laughed in their face. Of course, Philip and I have both changed a lot in that time.

Even if someone would have told me 2 months ago that this would happen, I would have laughed. I guess Philip has had feelings for me for a little while though. A friend of Philip's saw it coming for years. Before even Philip felt anything. That is scary. She is obviously psychic and worthy of my fear. lol

Another surprising thing... Philip is by far the best boyfriend I have ever had. I know I'm not really all that experienced with that (my total is up to 3 boyfriends now... lol), but still, I know he's wonderful. He really knows how to treat a woman. :) He listens. He talks. He is so sweet. He's not nearly as big of a pain as he pretends to be. Ha!

Something slight disturbing... Apparently I'm a whore. lol... it feels funny to write that. I'm just kidding about it though. It's just something frustrating that I've come across in recent weeks. A few weeks ago, someone assumed that because I'm dating Philip that I was having sex with him... and that was after only dating him for a few days. It's irritating to me because I think that people should know me better than that.

A friend of mine started dating someone who he didn't really know and almost immediately started a physical relationship with her. That's horrifying to me. I know that he's in love, but still... he doesn't know her at all. I don't know how people jump into that. I mean, I've been friends with Philip for about 4 and a half years and I don't feel comfortable jumping into bed with him. How do people have sex with people they don't know??

Blah... I'm done with that now. I went to Carowinds on Saturday with Philip. I had an awesome time. :) It's funny to me that I am terrified of falling and heights, but I love roller coasters. It's nice to have someone to go with me. I can do what I want again. It's fantastic. I love Joe, but I feel like I lost who I was with him. And now I've found me again. It's wonderful.

You wanna talk about betrayal??

People cannot be trusted. People who you think are your friends will stab you in the back. People will be nosy and ignorant. People will do more harm than good.

Everyone knows by now that Joe and I broke up a few weeks ago. That is between Joe and I. We were working things out just fine and trying to stay friends until people butted into that. Joe and I couldn't work it out. We both knew it was the right decision. End of story. After it all, Joe told me that he wanted me to be happy and to move on. Not that it's any of your damn business, but I am.

Someone who I thought was my friend really messed with Joe's head this weekend. Talking about how I betrayed him and that what I was doing was really messed up.

First of all, I never betrayed Joe. I never cheated on him. I haven't been anything but honest with him about everything since the break-up. He has supported all of my decisions (that you can verify with him).

I think it's really funny that this "friend" wanted to talk to Joe about betrayal. First of all, he was hanging out with me this weekend and never said anything about it to me. He just pretended that everything was fine. That seems like a fucking betrayal on his part. He betrayed me by going behind my back. If he has a problem with what's going on, he should say something to me. Not bash me to other people.

Second of all, his current relationship status is messed up. He has done more betrayal than I have. He's lying and possibly cheating and certainly misrepresenting himself. And I told him upfront how I felt about that. But he couldn't say things to my face?? I would say that what he is doing is the pot calling the kettle black, but I haven't cheated or lied. He has no right to talk about betrayal. Joe and I are still honest with each other. He's the fucker.

And, to all of you other jerks out there, mind your own damn business. You're just making everything more complicated than what it is. You're making things harder on Joe, not me. I've been honest and up front with everyone about everything I've done. I've got Joe's support in what I'm doing. None of you other "friends" matter.

A few good things have come out of this. I've been able to find out who my true friends are. Thanks for being there. You have made this easier and you've been wonderful.

This note is aimed at the few who have been back stabbing. You know who you are. Go fuck yourselves.

Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?

Yes, it is true.

I've gotten a million messages and phone calls. First of all, everybody wants to know, "Is it true???" I blame this question on Jon and Aileen for tricking everyone by changing their facebook status a while back just to see what would happen. Yes. It is true. Joe and I have decided to break up. I've been feeling that we were growing apart for some time now. I've tried to make it work. I do love him, but we are just not compatible anymore. I'm not going into any gory details because I don't think it's appropriate. I just want everyone to know that I am okay and Joe is going to be okay as well. We are both resilient people. Thank you for all your messages, calls, and the like, but I don't really feel like talking about it right now. I'm just trying to move forward.

Easter + New Addiction

I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt like it. I've mostly been reading. I'm have a new obsession with Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. There are 14 numbered books (One for the Money, Two for the Dough, Three to Get Deadly, etc.) and 4 between-the-numbers books (Visions of Sugar Plums, Plum Lovin', Plum Lucky, and Plum Spooky). I only have Fearless Fourteen and Plum Spooky left to read. And then Finger Lickin' Fifteen comes out in June. I've run through them in about 2 weeks. They are incredibly addictive.

I went home for Easter. It was wonderful. I got some time away and I got to spend some time with my family. I left Thursday, April 9 and came back Monday, April 13. It was a short trip, but I had a great time. However, I got my first speeding ticket on the way there. No bueno. I was doing 85 in a 65. Yuck. The officer told me that if I went to court, they would drop it to improper equipment and then it wouldn't go against my license. And that is good. I just got word from my insurance company that my insurance is rising because of a speeding ticket that Joe got. He's not even the primary driver. It used to be $130 every 6 months. Now it's $270 every 6 months. Insanity! I'm dropping him off of my insurance. If this one goes against his license, my insurance would be outrageous!

He is out of town this week. So, I will get to have a wonderfully quiet week to myself. Peaceful. :) It's good timing, too, because I need some time to myself. I'm feeling a need for isolation. My life is feeling claustrophobic. Joe doesn't understand my dislike for my job and we've argued about it too much lately. I'm growing resentful. It's probably the reason my breathing problems are flared up again. I haven't used my inhaler in over 2 months. I need it now. Unfortunately, I left it in South Korea and I haven't made it to get a refill yet. So, I'm dragging myself along until I can get to the pharmacy at a time when they're actually open. Ugh. Do you ever think to yourself, "Wow... this is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life"?

::Positive thoughts::

I have a job. I have a wonderful home. I have 4 beautiful pups. I have a boyfriend who doesn't drive me nuts 100% of the time. :)

Almost better...

Heroes + Pro-Life Thoughts

So, I started off naming this post "Heroes + Abortion Thoughts", but then when I thought about it, I thought it might give people the wrong idea ("Tara! You're pregnant?! And you're having an abortion!?" ... Oh, how the rumors would fly.).

Anyway, last night was the return of Heroes after a 2 month long hiatus. I was going nuts! I love HEROES! It was pretty good; I wasn't disappointed. Now I can't wait until Monday to see another new episode! I think that I will probably start going through some of the stuff on NBC's website. The extra heroes stuff. They have online episodes which are different from the ones aired on television. They focus on different characters and such. It sounds cool but I don't know if it could be as cool as the show aired on tv. I mean, it is AWESOME! :)

Also, on a completely different note, the other day I heard people talking on the radio about abortion. There was some excuse about how this woman would have to raise the child on her own and she was having the abortion for the child's sake so that it wouldn't have to grow up like that. It made me think. How many kids do you really think actually sit down and think, "My life sucks. I wish my mom would have had an abortion." ??? I don't think it would be very many.

I mean, my mom was still in high school when she got pregnant with me. She went to her senior prom alone and very pregnant. She graduated VERY pregnant with me. She had morning sickness all throughout her pregnancy with me. She married my dad and moved into a trailer. She must have been miserable and frightened. We were incredibly poor up until I was about high school age. My dad was mean (not a good father or husband) up until I was in high school (long story... it took my mom leaving him to figure out not to take us for granted). But, I have never once thought, "You know, I wouldn't have to be here in these miserable circumstances if my mom would have just had an abortion."

And I worked with underprivileged kids at KMS in Salisbury. A lot of their parents were in jail or were addicts. Some of them were homeless or living in a group home. I can't imagine one of them wishing that their mothers had just aborted them. They were struggling, but still happy to be surviving.

Joe's mother got pregnant with him at the age of 16 (and she had already had one child! And she had 3 more after that. There are at least 3 different fathers for them... no one is exactly sure). She was a drug addict. A lot of pro-choice people would have agreed that it would have been best to abort the fetus. Where would I be now if that were the case? I can't imagine not meeting Joe.

Joe had a hard life growing up. He'll tell you that. While he's a little on the crazy side, does he seem to be any worse off now than most people who grew up in normal homes? I don't think so. I think he is a wonderful human being.

I may have become more liberal during my stay at Catawba, but I will never ever be Pro-Choice. Nothing will ever make me sway from my Pro-Life stance. I don't believe in killing of any kind. Especially not that innocent fetus inside of you with so much potential. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

Sad news...

My neighbor passed away on Tuesday afternoon. Her husband is moving to Florida today. It's where his kids live and they're making him move. She didn't have a funeral. She was cremated. They have to pick up her cremains and then they're leaving for Florida.

She and her husband had a really sweet plan for their deaths. Suzie was the first to die, so Jay will hold on to her cremains until he dies. Then, when he dies, their kids will mix their cremains together and bury them together.

They were such a wonderful couple. They had been married for over 48 years, but they were still in love.

She was only 67 years old. And she was still really active. She didn't seem old at all. It just doesn't seem real. She was fighting like crazy for her life. She shouldn't have really lived as long as she did (after she had the heart attack when she first went into the hospital). She was a really strong supporter of Barrack Obama. She's been talking about him to us the whole time we've lived there. She thought that he was going to do great things for our country. Her daughter turned on the inauguration for her to listen to on Tuesday. She got to hear him be sworn in and listen to the speech that he gave. She died shortly after that. So, at least she got to hear what she had been waiting and hoping for before she died.

I'm really not dealing well with the situation. I don't think Joe is either. We loved our neighbors, and now they're gone. Jay is talking about coming back soon. He doesn't want to live with his kids in Florida. He wants to live in the home that he made with Suzie. I want him to come back, but only if it's going to be what is best for him.

It's funny to me that they were married for 48 years and still had such a wonderful relationship. My grandparents were married for roughly that long and they were miserable. They didn't like each other. My grandma didn't even cry at my grandpa's funeral. She was in the early stages of Alzheimers, but I don't think that that was the only reason. It gives me hope to see a couple that is still so happy and in love after almost 50 years together. And it breaks my heart to see them torn apart by death much too soon.

What I'm Thankful For...

1. My wonderful family: Joe, Jack, Cody, Jippy, & Daly. My babies are smart and sweet and beautiful.
2. My fantastic friends.
3. My healed relationships with my parents and sister.
4. A house not in Crackton.
5. Four-Day weekends :)
6. A degree in Religion & Philosophy (I can't believe I finished in May... It seems so long ago now).
7. Mario Kart. It's amazing how much fun it can be. Especially with cool people.
8. Black Bean Soup. It's just so incredibly comforting and delicious. :)
9. Good books... like the Twilight Saga and White Oleander. You just can't beat curling up with a good book.
10. Rain. It rained yesterday. I missed that a lot during the drought (technically a lot of NC is still in a drought -- Shelby is still in a Severe drought, Salisbury is in a Moderate drought, and Charlotte is still "Abnormally Dry", but there are now only 6 counties in an "Exceptional Drought" and only 8 counties in the slightly less bad "Extreme Drought." See the link for more info.).
11. Autumn. There actually was a fall in North Carolina this year. It was beautiful. Oh, how I have missed the change in seasons. Indiana always changes dramatically and I missed that in NC. I didn't have to miss it this year! :)
12. Hope. In many things. A hopeful change in direction for the way our country is headed. A possibility of snow in Shelby, North Carolina. :) A house in a nice neighborhood. A lot of things.
13. Having tickets to South Korea to see a couple of amazingly awesome people.
14. A job. Not my dream job. Not an exciting job. But, a job. That pays pretty well. And that is something that no everyone has. Especially with the way the world is right now.
15. A clean conscience (vegetarian since August 20, 2007). I can look animals in the eye without the guilt of knowing that their kin had to die for my dinner. :)
16. Netflix. It is so awesome that I can watch movies and tv shows online. It makes me happy.
17. Good television. Mostly The Big Bang Theory and Heroes. They keep me entertained on Monday nights while Joe is gone to his basketball game. :) And to go along with this, Sylar... Wonderful character. You have to love the bad guy who has the potential for something good. Keeps me on the edge of my seat. And I would totally date any of the guys from Big Bang. They are awesome! lol

And so much more... I am just thankful for the here and now. :) It's wonderful.

Could it be????

Are we actually finished??!?!

No, not really. Hahah! Fooled you. :)

To be fair, we are pretty much finished. For real this time. I have to mop and put the new door handles on the bedroom and the music room. That would have been all there was left to do, but Paul Kitchen screwed up in a way we didn't even realize. There were 2 doors leading into the kitchen. One from the foyer and one from the dining room. Well, we wanted them taken off so that there would be more room and so it would be more open. He told us that he would haul them off for us. Tuesday night we realized that we still hadn't put on the door for the half bathroom. I went to the garage to find it. It doesn't exist. However, there is still one door left in the garage. One from the kitchen. Paul hauled off one kitchen door and one bathroom door instead of 2 kitchen doors. Unfortunately, the kitchen door was much bigger than our bathroom door, so it doesn't fit. So, we have to get another door and have it installed. Zach will be coming tonight to get a check, so we'll probably see if he can do it for us. Hopefully he can.

After that, we will be finished. :) Finally.

Saturday is Joe's 27th birthday. I had a really awesome idea for his birthday present, but I ran out of money and time. lol... I had to buy a bunch of stuff for the house and it took up all of my paycheck from last week (well, most of it... the rest went for my monthly charitable donations and my Netflix subscription which come out of my account the middle of the month). So, I have to wait until I get paid tomorrow to buy Joe's present.

And! Twilight comes out at midnight tonight. I wish I could be like the giddy teenagers lining up to see the midnight showing. But, alas, I already missed 1.5 days of work this week for house-related reasons, so I can't be late and or mentally gone tomorrow. So, I will either see it tomorrow night, or I will wait until Sunday afternoon to see it. Either way, I am going to see it this weekend! :)

Some Random News

I got some more painting done in the kitchen. I have to fix the walls before I can do any more painting. We got more stuff organized and unpacked. The house looks like a home. :)

I am tired. I just want to go back to bed, curl up into a ball, and fall asleep for a few more hours. It would be so nice! I plan to do some sleeping in on Saturday. I haven't really been able to do that for a while. It will be fabulous!

I need to find new chairs for our dining room table. The ones we have are not good. In fact, I would go as far as to say they are bad chairs. Ugly. Bad, bad, bad. And in our nice new house, bad chairs are especially bad. So, I want to replace them.

My mom just finished the Twilight Saga. She really liked it as well. She's probably not nearly as obsessed as I am though. I downloaded the Twilight Movie Companion book last night to my kindle. I haven't started reading it yet though. I had too much to do. I was going to read a little before I fell asleep, but my kindle was going dead and I wasn't sure where my charger was. I need to find it. Joe and I will be going to see the movie on November 21. It's the day before Joe's birthday.

Speaking of Joe's birthday, I will be having a party for Joe. Nothing huge. He doesn't like big surprises and he doesn't like for all of the attention to be on him. So, we are going to play ultimate frisbee, eat dinner, hang out, play some games, maybe play the wii, and smoke the hookah. It should be a good time. So long as all of the cool people can come. :)

Appraisal + Gas shortage

The appraiser finally called yesterday afternoon. It was like 3:00. And it still wasn't final. She had questions for Joe. At that point, she was at $165,000. That's very good. Joe flirted with her a little to try to boost it up a little bit. :) He wants it to be higher. The higher the appraisal, the more we'll be able to borrow for remodeling (we can only borrow a certain percentage of what it will be worth).

Joe is at the bank right now meeting with the banker and trying to get things set in stone for the mortgage so that we can close on Tuesday! :) I am so incredibly excited. So long as everything goes well with the banker (we don't expect any problems), we will just have some final paperwork to complete, and on Tuesday, we will own our very first house!

Joe and I were supposed to be going to Salisbury this weekend to hang out with some very cool people (They know who they are :) ), but this stupid gas shortage may cause us to cancel those plans. Last night on our way home from work, there was a gas station which actually still had gas (all grades), so there were lines clear down the streets at all the entrances to the station. My car is at about a quarter of a tank right now. Joe's truck is at like 3/4 of a tank, so even though it gets less gas mileage, we're driving it. They don't want people to get gas unless they absolutely have to, so we're trying to hold out on filling up my car. Besides that, Joe's truck is a diesel and diesel seems to be easier to find right now.

If we have to cancel our plans, I will be going to Lowe's to pick up supplies for the house... like paint and other such items. :) Also, I have to pick up some stuff to repair the house we're renting right now. Daly chewed on the cabinets in the bathroom and I have to sand and stain them again. :( Also, I have to replace the floor trim that she chewed on. And I'll probably start packing up the stuff that we don't use regularly. Joe and I have decided that even if we aren't finished remodeling the house in Shelby, we're moving in by October 31 so that we won't have to pay another month's rent at the house in Gastonia. I am so incredibly excited that I can't even find words! No more Crackton. It's the best news ever. :) Besides finding the love of my life, Joe, and the adoptions of all four of my babies, of course. :)

Life update + This Date in History

I had a wonderful weekend filled with wonderful people. :) I'm incredibly sore from playing way too many doucheball games in a single day. I had a great time playing, though.

I continue to reread parts of the Twilight Saga because I can't just stop. lol... I just reread the parts that I really like at bedtime. Yeah, I know. I'm crazy and obsessed. Oh, well. Not much I can do now. :)

Today is my 4 year anniversary with Joe. We've had our ups and downs, but we're still here together. With four wonderful pups to show for it. lol Gosh, we have a dog for every year we've been together. I don't think I could handle it if that kept up! Anyway, in honor of our anniversary, I've collected a list of important events which took place on this date in history.

• 63 BC - Birth of Augustus Caesar, Roman Emperor (d. 14)
• 1642 - First commencement exercises occur at Harvard College.
• 1806 - Lewis and Clark return to St. Louis, after exploring the Pacific Northwest of the United States.
• 1846 - Discovery of Neptune by French astronomer Urbain Jean Joseph Le Verrier and British astronomer John Couch Adams; verified by German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle.
• 1889 - Nintendo Koppai (Later Nintendo Company, Limited) founded by Fusajiro Yamauchi to produce and market the playing card game Hanafuda.
• 1920 - Birth of Mickey Rooney, American actor
• 1930 - Birth of Ray Charles, American musician (d. 2004)
• 1939 - Death of Sigmund Freud, Austrian psychiatrist (b. 1856)
• 1941 - The first gas murder experiments are conducted at Auschwitz.
• 1949 - Birth of Bruce Springsteen, American singer and songwriter
• 1959 - Birth of Jason Alexander, American actor
• 1973 - Juan Perón returns to power in Argentina.
• 1973 - Death of Pablo Neruda, Chilean poet, Nobel laureate (b. 1904)
• 1976 - Birth of Kip Pardue, American actor and model
• 1983 - Gerrie Coetzee of South Africa becomes the first African boxing world heavyweight champion.
• 1999 - NASA announces that it has lost contact with the Mars Climate Orbiter.
• 2004 - At least 1,070 in Haiti reported killed by floods due to Hurricane Jeanne
• Astrology: Usually the first day of sun sign Libra in the tropical zodiac.
• In ancient Latvia, the second day of Mikeli.
• Roman Catholic Saints - Feast day of Saint Adomnan of Iona, Saint Thecla, Padre Pio of Pietrelcina
• Saudi Arabia - National Day (unification 1932).
• Celebrate Bisexuality Day was first recognized in 1999 and is observed mainly in the U.S., Canada, Europe, and Australia.

Well, some pretty crappy stuff happened on this date in history. In fact, the very same day that Joe and I started dating, over a thousand Haitians died in floods! But, at least we got Ray Charles on this date as well. :)

Now that you're all informed about this date in history, have a lovely day.

A house!

Okay... so Sunday night, some super sketchy people were walking in front of our house when Joe and I got back from Dairy Queen with the boys. It was Jippy's birthday and they always get Dairy Queen for their birthdays (The birthday dog gets a cherry dipped cone and the others just get plain vanilla cones -- small of course!). Well, we were letting the dogs do their business in the front yard before we went into the house. Then this guy came around the corner holding a shovel over his head. Jippy went nuts and I thought he was going to attack the guy. Then Cody started after the guy. The guy just kept walking like nothing was wrong, still holding the shovel over his head. I called the dogs into the house and then another guy came walking around the corner. He was fat and shirtless and carrying a box. He asked Joe if he did any construction and Joe said no. Then he cussed Joe out. We got into the house and Joe said that we were officially going to move. :) FINALLY. I'm so tired of crackton.

Anyway, I started looking for houses and I found one that I like that is reasonably priced. We're going to look at it tonight. It's in Shelby. It's about half an hour away from work instead of 15-20 minutes, but it's in a nicer town in a much better neighborhood. And it's got a fenced in back yard and lots of room inside. I'm really excited to see it.

Even if it's not what we end up with, I'm really happy that we're moving in the right direction to get moved out of South Gastonia. If I didn't have those 4 dogs there, I would be afraid for my safety. And all of those out of town trips that Joe makes: they wouldn't be happening. There's no way I'd stay there by myself.

Woot for making progress towards moving out of CRACKTON! :) I'm off to look at a house now.

Taxes...

Okay. So I did the math. I have over 25% of my check taken away from me by the government. First of all, I don't make that much money. Secondly, if the government can't be trusted to spend the money they take from me wisely, they should leave it alone. I'd do a better job of stimulating the economy if they'd just let me keep it. I mean, if I had that extra quarter of my paycheck back, I would be very much likely to buy a house. I would not have to worry so much about being thrifty with my money. So, I'd buy stuff. And then other people would profit. Especially since I buy lots of local stuff. And I spend most of my money on books and food (restaurants... which are most of the time family owned restaurants, not franchises).

That government stimulus check? I spent it on vet bills for Daly to get spayed so that I wouldn't have to have the government spend more money to gas the innocent pups that she would give birth to.

I'm a responsible citizen. I spend my money wisely. I buy local. I try to help the economy.

What does the government do with the money they take away from me?? They use it for worthy causes, I'm sure. Like war and lining the pockets of corrupt politicians (you know, prostitutes, hush money, and the like). Not that I'm against prostitution. People should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, including sell it for sexual purposes. I just don't think that my hard earned money should be buying sex for the politicians who are going to tell me that I live my life in the wrong manner (damn conservative hipocrites!).

Okay. So, I'm feeling a bit cynical about our government today. At least I live in a place that will allow me to openly bitch about what a bad job the government is doing. I love and appreciate that greatly! :)

Oh, but good news. Joe comes home tonight! Yay! I haven't seen him since very early Monday morning. He'll arrive by plane in Charlotte at 9:18 tonight. That is if he doesn't miss his flight. **Fingers Crossed**

Today

I woke up this morning feeling great. I wanted to go back to sleep, but other than that, I thought it would be a good day. Well, it's still early, but so far so good.

I miss Joe. He won't be back until Friday night or Saturday. He still seems to be in a good mood despite all the driving he's having to do (from Minnesota to Massachusetts, then to Virginia, then home -- he hates driving, or riding in a car).

Some pictures from my birthday have surfaced. And a video. And despite the fact that I look ridiculous in my camo TEAM KETCHAM t-shirt and my candy g-string, and holding a beer despite the fact that I was NOT drunk, they made me very happy. I have awesome friends. That is all. :)

Dreams

Last night I had a series of very interesting dreams. I remembered them upon waking, but now I can't remember as much. It's driving me nuts.

In one of my dreams, I was hanging out with someone (a friend), and then he confessed his love to me. I told him that I felt the same way for him, but we couldn't be together because I was with Joe. Then, I'm not sure I broke up with Joe or not, but then this friend and I started dating. It was magical and beautiful and we were apparently just made for each other (but of course that's the way it goes in the beginning of most relationships).

Anyway, a few things are driving me nuts about this. First of all, I can't remember who this friend was in my dream. I know that it was someone that I actually know. Second, I never dream about being in relationships with other people. And thirdly, I'm not secretly madly in love with anyone else, unless it's subconsciously! lol

So, I decided to look up what these dreams "meant." I'm not sure that I believe in dream interpretation, but I was curious, so here is what one website said about my dream:

http://www.freakydreams.com/2336,Cheating.html

"To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiancé, or significant other, suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, it reflects the intensity of your sexual passion and exploring areas of your sexuality. It is actually a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for people approaching a wedding to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than their intended spouses. Most likely, such dreams represent the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity - that of a spouse."

Okay, so I'm not sure that just kissing is considered an "erotic experience", but I know that Joe and I are not near getting married, so I'm not sure that part applies. I have spent much time questioning where my life is headed in general, and that in turn has caused me to wonder if Joe and I truly are going to stay together. I worry a lot that Joe and I aren't meant to be together lately, but I don't know where the worry comes from. We're getting along fine. Nothing has changed between us. I try not to think of it because I think it mostly stems from me being scared about "becoming an adult." I am afraid to think of having to settle down into one job, not going back to school, my friends moving away, and becoming used to a schedule. Work every day from 7:45 to 5:30. Make dinner. Watch tv. Go for a walk. Play with the dogs. Go to sleep. Do it again. It's horrifying to me. So, maybe the dream interpreter is correct in that I am worried about "fruitless endeavors" and changing my identity ("Adult").

http://www.dreamhawk.com/dyd-a7.htm#affair

In general dreaming of a pleasant affair is a way of enjoying or exercising the wonderful feelings of falling in love and sharing emotional and sexual pleasure. Many dreams are compensatory, and therefore make up for the lack of passion or excitement in our daily life. But having an affair in a dream may help keep alive or active the ability to love and be loved if there is not sufficient stimulus in waking life. It is not unusual for married and happy people to dream of an affair with someone else. This may express nothing more than a desire for variety, but of course occasionally is the sign of an infatuation or desire for the person we love in the dream. Adultery dreams may also express release of sexual feelings; desire for another partner; desire for one's partner to have sex with someone else.

The person you are having an affair with may represent a particular attitude or situation in your life. Therefore if the dream has a strong feeling such as failure or fear attached to it, the affair might well be dealing with your relationship with such life situations. Examples include - infidelity; betrayal; failure; longing for love; feeling alone in a relationship; etc.

Another possibility with dreams about an affair is that they express the constant process of trying to find a balance between what we deeply desire and what is socially or personally possible. Some people will marry or live with a person because that person is the best they could achieve in the circumstances. Nevertheless they may still long for someone different. Or perhaps there are aspects of relationship missing in their present situation, and they long for a fuller satisfaction but do not want to destroy their present situation.

Well, more interesting thoughts. Again, this friend and I did not have sex in the dream. I guess I don't just give it up in my dreams either. ;) Am I longing for variety? As I already said, I know I am in my life, but is my relationship boring me as well? Joe and I have been together for almost 4 years (September 23). Maybe subconsciously, I am longing for newness. I haven't been single in almost 8 years. I started dating my high school sweetheart at 15. I was with him for almost 4 years. Then my rebound was Joe. lol... I've never really "dated." I've never been single, really. My high school sweetheart was my first real boyfriend. They are the only 2 guys I have ever been with. And sometimes I do wonder what it would have been like to be single or to just date casually. Don't get me wrong. I love Joe, and I enjoy being with him.

So, based on my dream analysis. I may be bored and looking for variety. I may wonder what it would have been like differently. I may be just upset about life in general (stagnant) and looking for any change in my dreams. Who knows.

It still drives me nuts that I can't remember who my dream affair was with. :( lol