Well, I don't really feel like blogging. I'm not feeling especially great. However, I did get my pictures uploaded to my Picasa account and I wanted to let everyone know that they can go see them at this website: http://picasaweb.google.com/taralyn14. I took over 1,000 pictures and videos while in South Korea. I haven't gone through the pictures or fixed them, so there may be pictures that are fuzzy/blurry or that you may not know what they are. I'm slowly going through them to at least put what they are if it's not clear. I don't know when I'll actually get to fixing them. Like I said, I feel crappy and I've not got a lot of motivation right now.
I've also got a lot on my mind. The trip made me think about a lot of things. Mostly about where my life is headed. One thing is for sure... I will never be going back to South Korea again. I enjoyed hanging out with Jon and Aileen but the country is definitely not for me.
I thought some more about vocation. It upsets me that some people find theirs so easily. Why haven't I been called to do something yet? I don't know what I want to do.
That may not be completely true. Actually, I think I'm starting to hear my calling. I think I may be blocking it out though. It's scary. I used to think that my calling was motherhood. Everyone I knew thought so, too. I loved kids. I loved taking care of people. I love to be needed (I think everyone has that one). I've pushed that away in the past few years. I think mostly because it scares me to death. First of all, childbirth. Horrifying. I could always adopt though. It's something I've thought about a lot.
Secondly, I made a promise to myself that I would put my life on hold if I were ever to have children. I will not work while they're not in school and I plan to homeschool my children for at least a few years (I refuse to let someone else raise my children). Well, right now, it's completely financially unfeasible for me to do this. Joe and I still have 14.5 years left until our house is paid off. That puts me at 38 years old. That is too old for me (personally) to have children.
Thirdly, I'm unmarried and I have no health insurance. The first is not really a deal breaker for me, but I would like to be married before I have children. The second is very important. I need something to help me pay for hospital visits, etc. before I can think about babies.
Fourthly, that is a HUGE responsibility. I'm scared that I wouldn't end up being good at it when it came to my own children. Also, somehow, I've managed to become less patient as the years have gone by. However, my dogs are better behaved than a lot of the children that I've come across recently. I must have done something right there.
Fifthly, Joe. I love him very much, but anyone who has met him knows that he's not the most patient person or the most forgiving. I want to be with Joe. I don't know if he's ready (or if he ever will be) to have children. And on top of that, sometimes taking care of Joe and the dogs and our household is a full time job in itself.
So, for all of these reasons and probably more, I am fighting what I think my vocation may be. I really think that I just want to be a stay at home mom. It's wonderful and horrifying all at the same time. I think I have to stew on it for quite a while longer and see if I still feel this way. And if I do, I guess I'll have to figure out a plan to get me on my way.
Ugh. Horrifying.
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