Roller Coaster...

My life has never been such a roller coaster ride before. I'm not especially fond of drama. I don't thrive on it like some people. In fact, it makes me sick. So, I haven't been feeling awesome for the past few weeks. It's really draining.

Most people know that I don't like to talk about my personal relationships to people outside of that relationship. I don't think it's appropriate. However, I'm emotional and I want to get some things off my chest. And, I don't think the previous rule is standing since we aren't in a relationship at all anymore.

The latest news is that Joe has decided not to speak to me anymore. He says he can't heal while still trying to be friends with me. I understand where he's coming from, but it still hurts to be losing my best friend.

Joe has been my best friend for over four years now. How am I just supposed to not speak to him anymore?

I go about my business at home even while he's here. We don't speak. We don't make eye contact. It's awful. He has asked me to move out. I know that would be ideal, but where am I going to find someplace that I can afford where I can have four dogs?? If you know of a place in the area, please let me know.

Until I find a place, I will be living in limbo. Living with the person who I care for most in the world and who I have to pretend I feel nothing for.

I'm feeling torn in a million different directions. I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I mostly feel hurt and sad. On the other hand, I'm angry. While I was the initiator of the break-up, it wasn't my fault. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. It was one-way. I gave everything I had but couldn't make it work by myself. So, I got out. And Joe agreed it was the right decision for us to make. But now, I have to give up my best friend. It all doesn't seem fair. If I did everything right, why do I have to lose so much?

All of this being said, I'm royally effed up for my next relationship. :) I'm scared to death to let anyone in. I know that's probably normal, but I hate it. I'm not really experienced in the relationship department. I've had two long term relationships. Michael for almost four years and Joe for over four and a half years. Both have ended badly. Michael still doesn't speak to me. And now Joe doesn't want to speak to me.

What's really messing me up is that I did what I was supposed to do in those relationships. I was a good girlfriend. I was loving, understanding, trusting, faithful, and devoted. I did whatever I could for them. I was strong. I was a shoulder to lean/cry on. I changed myself and compromised to make things work.

It makes me happy to make my partner happy. However, in both of these relationships, it backfired. Michael took me for granted for most of our relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't stand for it again. So, when it started happening with Joe, we talked about it. It didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

So, what am I supposed to learn from these relationships? I am stronger now. I am more independent. I know I don't need them (despite how much it hurts to be losing Joe). But, what do I do to make a partner not take me for granted? Stop being a good girlfriend? That's effed up.

So, I'm left in a crazy place in my mind. I don't know how to make a relationship work. I thought when I was younger that all it took to make a relationship work was love. I learned that this simply wasn't the case with Michael. So, I thought that hard work and being a wonderful partner would make things work. I've learned that isn't the case with both Joe and Michael. So, I've learned that I can't make a relationship work on my own. That's great to learn, but it doesn't leave me very open to being in a relationship. I don't like leaving my heart open for more pain.

Michael may have been really immature, but Joe was a really great guy. I couldn't trust him to make it work, so who am I supposed to trust?? I don't like leaving it up to someone else. If they stop trying (or just expect me to make it work like Joe did), where does that leave me? It leaves me in the same damn place again. Lost. Life out of control. Heart in pieces. It's not fair.

How do people do this? How do people keep putting themselves out there just to be crushed? It's terrifying. I was relatively fine after Michael. I could trust someone in a relationship because I just thought that it didn't work because Michael was too immature. Now I don't know what to think. Joe says he couldn't make it work because of all of his baggage, etc. Well, doesn't everyone have baggage? If baggage won't let you make a relationship work, aren't all relationships doomed?

So, I'm in a great position here. I'm fighting with myself to try to figure out how it's possible to let someone else in. I'm not giving up hope. It's just hard to figure out where things go wrong...

eh... I've rambled on enough for one night. I am feeling a lot better though, so that's good. :) Hopefully this war within myself will be over soon. I need to learn to move forward despite my baggage. That's the healthy thing to do, right?

Feeling great!

I was feeling pretty damn stressed before I left for my long weekend in Indiana. I feel great now, though. :) Life is good. I feel like I know who I am again. And I'm pretty awesome. :)

And, because of my trip, I now have physical as well as mental differences. First of all, my hair. It's really dark and purple-ish. It was an accident. I picked out this really awesome color that I loved. It turned my hair pink. Like, hot pink. Seriously. I don't know what happened. I think there must have been something wrong with the dye. I've never had problems before. Well, I hated the pink, so it had to go. I didn't want to go back to the store though. My mom had some dye in the cabinet called "Black Cherry." It looked decent, so we tried it out. It's really dark. And sort of purple. It was really purple at first. It's washed out some now though, so that's good. I was going to re-dye it this week when I got back to the Carolinas, but everyone seems to like it, so I figure I'll keep it for a while. :)

Secondly, I have a new tattoo. :) I asked my sister to get one with me, and of course, she was all for it. It's "Lyn" in script on my stomach next to my right hip. I love it. I'll have to put up some pictures soon (the battery is dead in my camera right now, otherwise I'd take some and put them up now). I've wanted another one for a while. Joe hates tattoos though, so I was trying not to irritate him by getting one. I thought it was appropriate now. :)

*** UPDATE ***

I've got pictures up now. See below :)

Sex... (That title caught your attention, right?!)

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's been egged on a lot by movies I've seen recently.

People are insane! There are actually people out there who have sex with random people who they do not know. This is a horrifying thought to me.

I have rules about sex that I do not break. I'm not so conservative as to say that marriage should be saved for marriage (I don't believe that... sex is an important aspect of a relationship and you need to know if you're sexually compatible before committing yourself to someone for the rest of your life), but I do have more conservative rules than society seems to be pushing.

Number one, I have to be in a serious relationship with someone. Number two, I have to be in love with them. I've never broken my rules. I don't know how I could live with myself if I did. I'm not saying that my rules are for everyone, but I would think that everyone should at least know the person they're sleeping with.

I have my rules for my own reasons. Sex is very personal for me. It's something to be shared with someone that I love. Not for just anyone. However, I know that sex isn't that for everyone. However, that doesn't mean that people should have sex with someone that they picked up in a bar. You don't know that person. There are serious repercussions for having sex with someone you don't know.

First of all, disease. Herpes is not how you want to remember that crazy weekend. It's disgusting and it's going to put a serious damper on your future plans. Even if someone appears to be clean, looks can be deceiving. And can you really trust someone you just met to tell you the truth??

Second of all, pregnancy. Do you really want to be impregnated by someone that you know nothing about?? I realize that not everyone has the same attitude as me about abortion not being an option, but still, even pro-choicers know that abortion can be traumatizing.

Third of all, the person you go home with could be a freak. This goes for women especially since we are more likely to be raped/attacked. That person who seemed great in the bar could be a rapist or murderer. Is the possibility of an orgasm really worth that threat?? It isn't to me!

Finally, how high could your self esteem be if you're willing to open your legs for anyone? I think people should love themselves more than that.

I'm not saying that everyone should have to be in love with the person they give themselves over to. I've known/been with people who sex was more like a game or sport to pass the time. Even still, that doesn't mean that those people need to have sex with anyone. Is it really going to kill a person to wait a while to find out if that person is worth your time?

Come on, people. Be safe. And find out something more than that person's favorite position or bust size before going to bed with them.

Yes, it is true.

I've gotten a million messages and phone calls. First of all, everybody wants to know, "Is it true???" I blame this question on Jon and Aileen for tricking everyone by changing their facebook status a while back just to see what would happen. Yes. It is true. Joe and I have decided to break up. I've been feeling that we were growing apart for some time now. I've tried to make it work. I do love him, but we are just not compatible anymore. I'm not going into any gory details because I don't think it's appropriate. I just want everyone to know that I am okay and Joe is going to be okay as well. We are both resilient people. Thank you for all your messages, calls, and the like, but I don't really feel like talking about it right now. I'm just trying to move forward.

It Could Be Worse...

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to Mom. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Mom, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Tennessee

I spent my weekend in Clarksville, Tennesee. Richard, a friend of mine, was graduating from Austin Peay University. So, I went with Philip, Roger, and Erin on the 8 hour trip. We had an awesome time.

We had an indoor pool that Philip and I spent more time in than we did the beds. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm pretty sure that more hours were spent swimming than sleeping on this trip. :) Philip and I had a competition to see how many times we could dunk each other. I lost. Of course. However, I did manage to dunk Philip 4 times. I was pretty happy with that. Even though he dunked me like a hundred and forty seven times. Maybe it wasn't that many, but it sure felt like it. And, since I bruise easily, I have bruises all over my arms and legs. My arms didn't bruise too badly. My wrists only have faint bruises. I do have a few big, ugly, purplish bruises above my elbows, but you can't see them when my arms are down at my sides. My legs are another story. They are bruised all over. Luckily, none of the bruises actually hurt. :)

We also went bowling twice. I didn't bowl that great, but it wasn't completely awful either. I even beat Richard once (he's a far better bowler than I am... don't let that fool you though. I didn't bowl well; he just bowled awful).

We went to the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville. It was really interesting. I think we spent about 3 hours there. It didn't feel like it.

It was a fantastic trip and I am sad to be back at work today. Oh well. Less than 2 weeks and I'm off to Indiana for a long weekend.

New Goal #1

I made a few new goals for myself recently. The first one is to read at least 100 books this year. This is how far I've gotten so far:

1. The Host -- Stephenie Meyer
2. Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust -- Immaculee Ilibagiza
3. Coraline -- Neil Gaiman
4. American Gods -- Neil Gaiman
5. One For The Money -- Janet Evanovich
6. Two For The Dough -- Janet Evanovich
7. Three To Get Deadly -- Janet Evanovich
8. Four To Score -- Janet Evanovich
9. High Five -- Janet Evanovich
10. Hot Six -- Janet Evanovich
11. Seven Up -- Janet Evanovich
12. Hard Eight -- Janet Evanovich
13. Visions of Sugar Plums -- Janet Evanovich
14. To The Nines -- Janet Evanovich
15. Ten Big Ones -- Janet Evanovich
16. Eleven On Top -- Janet Evanovich
17. Twelve Sharp -- Janet Evanovich
18. Plum Lovin' -- Janet Evanovich
19. Lean Mean Thirteen -- Janet Evanovich
20. Plum Lucky -- Janet Evanovich
21. Fearless Fourteen -- Janet Evanovich
22. Plum Spooky -- Janet Evanovich
23. Death On The Nile -- Agatha Christie

I think that's all I've got so far. However, I was in a slump at the beginning of the year. 19 of those are from the past month. I'm on a roll now. :) However, I still have to read more than 2 books per week for the rest of the year. It's going to be tricky.

I'm starting the Harry Potter series today, so if it's as interesting as everyone says, I should catch up pretty quickly. Then, after I finish that series, I plan to read some classics that I never got to before. And that will probably slow me down a bit. :S I'll probably throw in some more Agatha Christie, and Finger Lickin' Fifteen by Janet Evanovich comes out in June. I also found a new book by Bart D. Ehrman called, Jesus, Interrupted: Revealing the Hidden Contradictions in the Bible (And Why We Don't Know About Them). Sounds really cool, right? Plus, Ehrman is amazing! Also, I'm going to read some books that I never got around to about Process Theology. Also, some new Feminist Theology books have come out. I'll be a mighty busy lady. But that's A OK! :) If you have any other suggestions for what I should read, let me know. I'm trying to read a little bit of everything, so whatever you've got in mind, tell me!

I don't really feel like going into my other new goal just yet. I'll blog about it later. I'll give you a hint though... It's nothing you'd expect from me. ;)